


Caput Dolet, Pedes Fetent, Iesum Non Amo

by Sashataakheru



Category: The Chaser RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Catholicism, Consensual Underage Sex, F/M, M/M, POV First Person, POV Multiple, Religious Content, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Unfinished wip, community: chaserslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 16:23:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9770207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: Gay!emo!lapsed Catholic!Andrew finds himself pondering things after bunking off school and finds himself outside his old cathedral, where things don't exactly go swimmingly. That is, until Charles comes along and makes Andrew's head asplode.





	1. Chapter One: Andrew

**Author's Note:**

> This is an unfinished high school AU fic I wrote a very long time ago (2009), and while I don't think it's quite my best work, it's still one of the more memorable fics I've written. I ran out of steam with it, and didn't quite know how to pull everything together into an ending. 
> 
> Written in alternating 1st POV chapters, from Andrew's, and Craig's, POVs. Set circa September 1993 in Sydney.
> 
> Extra notes at the bottom.

I wasn't sure what had brought me back to the cathedral after so long. I stopped going to mass when I was 10. Well, my mother had stopped going, and I precociously decided that I didn't particularly want to go either because I didn't believe in Jesus. It was always a waste of time, though I was always prodded by my father to practice my Latin. No, the sooner I was out of there, the better. 

An incident involving me being caught by the priest kissing another boy as we hid in the confession booths was the deciding factor. The priest had promised not to tell my parents; well, they were in the confession booths, and as I pointed out, that meant it stayed between us. I was nothing if not smart, and I knew how to get out of trouble. I promised to do 20 Hail Marys and 20 Our Fathers as penance, and promised not to tell about catching him flirting with one of the parishioners. I could blackmail like the best of them. At least I could back then.

I'd never seen that boy again, but I'd always wondered what had happened to him. He had an angelic face and devilish eyes, and was always getting in trouble. It was his decision, not mine, to go into the confession booth and kiss. I hadn't even known what was going on, just that it was cramped and dark and the boy's lips were on mine and for some strange reason, it felt good. 

I can hardly remember his name now. Craig? Callum? Caspian? Cory? I don't know. But he was a very beautiful kid, and no doubt, he'd grow into a very beautiful man. 

Perhaps it was nostalgia that brought be back to the cathedral. It had been seven years since I'd been back, and I was a few months off graduating high school. It was an odd time, really. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life, and I suppose I was flirting with the idea of faith again. 

It felt odd. It was a Friday afternoon, and I'd bunked off school early. I wasn't in the mood for maths, not after a disastrous piano lesson before lunch in which I utterly failed to get my piece right. I'd half-faked a headache and guilt-tripped the nurse into letting me go home. I caught a bus into the city and wandered around. My mind was elsewhere. Yeah, I was doing the typical teenage angst thing. I wasn't really paying any attention to where I was going, which is why I was so surprised to find myself outside the cathedral without having realised that's where I was heading.

I could hear music. Choir music. They must be practicing. The tunes were still familiar to me after all those years. I found myself humming along to them as I stood outside. I ended up standing just inside the doorway, watching the choir rehearsing. It was strangely calming. 

It was then that I noticed one boy in particular. He had a beautiful voice, clearly one of the best voices, and this head of thick black hair. He looked angelic. His Latin was clearly better than mine. He was all clean-shaven and lovely. I had tried to quell my interest in boys for the last few years, if only so my father could rest easy knowing I was normal, but you get to a certain age and crave it like nothing else. That might be why I noticed him. 

“Oi, back off, emo kid. He's mine.” 

I turned to see who had spoken and found myself looking at a beautiful boy, perhaps younger than me, with dark gold hair and sparkling hazel eyes. He looked startlingly familiar, but I couldn't place him. Either way, I drew back from his gaze and backed off. I wasn't interested in a fight, and since I didn't even know the choir boy's name, I was prepared to give him up.

I stood there and watched him strut into the church and take a seat halfway down. I can't remember how long I watched them for. Until they finished practicing at any rate. Then I saw the boy I'd noticed before go to greet his friend. It was the way they hugged that told me all I needed to know. How they could get away with it in the middle of a Catholic cathedral was anyone's guess. 

I leaned against the door as the rest off the choristers filed past me. I stared at my feet, wondering why I didn't just leave as well. Then they were in front of me, and that familiar boy was sneering at me. 

“Hey, emo kid. You gonna stand there all night?” he said with clear scorn in his voice. 

“No, I was just-”

“You were just looking, sure you were. Who are you anyway? What are you doing here?” he said.

I hated his tone. It sounded familiar, but still, I couldn't place him. “Oh, I just happened to find myself here. I used to go to mass here, that's all,” I said.

“Oh, right. Rich kid, huh? Why'd you stop coming anyway?” he said. His choirboy friend was much prettier close up. He had lovely eyes. I had to stop myself staring at him.

“Oh, I got sick of it. Church never did anything for me anyway. If God wanted me to believe in him, he did a shithouse job of it,” I said.

“Do you have to be so spiteful about it? Just because you don't believe doesn't give you the right to belittle my faith.” Choir boy spoke at last.

“Well, if you stopped looking at me like I'm some sort of monster, I'd be more inclined to like you,” I snapped.

“Don't you take your anger out on me. I don't even know you. Craig said you were checking me out before. You one of those faggots, hey? No wonder you don't believe,” choir boy said.

I shrunk back from his hatred. I didn't need this. Not now. “I'm going now. Remind me never to come back here again if this is the sort of reception I get,” I said and turned to leave.

A hand on my shoulder stopped me. “Come near my boyfriend again and I'll fucking smash you, cunt,” Craig whispered harshly to me. 

Fucking hypocrites. I got the message, loud and clear. I brushed Craig off me and ran. I wanted to run away and hide. I ended up on the other side of the city in some small little park. I found a small tree and sat underneath it, finally letting myself cry. It seemed so childish and pathetic, but if the church didn't want me, I certainly didn't want anything to do with it. 

“Hey, hey, are you alright?” Another stranger was paying attention to me. I wanted to tell them to fuck off, but they seemed friendly enough.

I looked up and saw another boy kneeling in front of me. I didn't recognise him at all, but his bright blue eyes were strangely hypnotic. I quickly wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my blazer, not wanting him to know I was crying. 

“Yeah, yeah, I'm fine,” I lied.

“Sure you are. I'm Charles. What's your name?” he said.

“Andrew.” 

“So, what's the matter? I saw you running from the cathedral. You okay?” Charles said.

“Oh, it's nothing. Don't worry about it,” I said.

“Was Craig giving you trouble? Don't worry, he does that to everyone. We're quite convinced he hates everyone except Chris, and even that's not guaranteed,” Charles said.

“I was just reminded why I stopped going to mass there when I was 10. Fucking hypocrites. God and his followers can get fucked and leave me alone,” I said.

“You used to go there? How long ago? I don't remember seeing you,” Charles said.

“Seven years ago. I don't recognise anyone there anymore, though Craig did look strangely familiar. He may have been there when I was,” I said.

“Hey, are you the weedy little gay boy who was caught in the confessionals? I remember Craig bragging about getting some boy kicked out of the church several years ago,” Charles said.

“Ah, I thought he looked familiar. The whole parish knows, don't they? Fuck. I should've known that would never stay secret. All the more reason never to go back,” I said bitterly. “And I wasn't kicked out, I decided not to come back.” 

“You've stayed away all these years, just because of that?” Charles said.

“I never had much faith to begin with. I don't really miss it,” I said.

“So why were you hanging around outside then?” Charles said.

“Because that's where I happened to find myself,” I said.

“Perhaps God's calling you back,” Charles said.

“Unlikely. Not if the first impression I get are a couple of hypocrites who clearly don't want me anywhere near them,” I said.

“Ignore them. They're both pricks. You're better off ignoring them. Are you interested in exploring your faith again?” Charles said.

“I don't even know anymore. I thought I was, but maybe God really doesn't want me. Being gay isn't a sin, and I don't need the guilt,” I said.

“You're really gay?” Charles said.

“Yeah. I've always known, I think. Trying to be straight just made me depressed. I'm not going back there again,” I said.

“You should talk to God again. I'm sure he'll understand,” Charles said.

“It's a pile of angst I don't need. I'm better off without it,” I said.

“Can I at least buy you a drink to cheer you up?” Charles said.

“Um, sure, I suppose so. I should get home soon though. It's getting late,” I said. 

“Come on, mate, one drink. That's all. I'm not letting you go home upset,” Charles said.

I smiled, his generosity getting the better of me. “Uh, sure. Why not?” 

“That's the spirit. Come on. I know just the place,” Charles said.

He pulled me to my feet and led me away from the park. We ended up in some small café place. I was surprised it was still open, but who am I to complain where I get a free drink?

Charles ordered for us and took me to his favourite seat, nestled in a corner near the front, where he could look out at all the people walking past. It still seemed isolated, even as it felt exposed. I could tell why he liked it. We sat in silence as we waited for our coffee to arrive. Mine came with a love heart drawn into the foam. I thought it looked rather cute. 

“Good place, this. Good coffee,” Charles said.

“Yeah, it's not bad,” I said after taking a sip.

“So, tell me about yourself. How old are you anyway?” Charles said.

“Oh, well, I'm 17 now. Almost finished school. Can't wait to get out of there, to be honest,” I said.

“Yeah? You look like the sort of guy who'd love school,” Charles said.

“Well, yeah, but I hate my school. Nerds are always hated,” I said with particular revulsion. 

“Gee, you seemed to get all the bad luck in the world, didn't you?” Charles said.

“Fuck humanity. Fuck religion. Fuck God. The sooner I leave that school, the better,” I said.

“Sorry to hear that. Are you really so bitter you'd never consider religion again?” Charles said.

“Probably not. Too many bad experiences have left me feeling bitter and unloved and generally angry at what the Church teaches about certain issues. I can't on good conscience be a part of that anymore. If it doesn't want me, I don't want it. I was brought up well enough anyway, but still. Religion is a dangerous way to control people and all it seeks to do is make money and power, and that's something I don't want to be a part of,” I said.

“How can you say that? The Church is a way for people to find God and live the way he intended us to live. You can only be saved through Christ. You seem like a decent person. Why would you reject Christ and be condemned?” Charles said.

“I've seen the hypocrisy, the contradictions, the way it's okay to be intolerant of some people in spite of Jesus' message to love your neighbour as yourself. It's sickening. You're not gay, so you don't see why it's such a big issue for me and why I won't go back to them,” I said.

“The way I see it, God made us all the way he wanted to. He made you gay in the same way he made me sort of gay. Does it make you any less of a human because of it? Not to me it doesn't. Are you okay? You look like you're about to cry,” Charles said.

“Fuck. You don't get it. All my life I've been told I was worthless, a sinner, some sort of depraved mutant. I've been bashed just because some jerk thought that by merely looking in his direction, I was making a pass at him. I've wanted to kill myself so many times. You tell me if life's worth living because I sure as shit can't see why anyone would bother,” I said.

Charles wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into a hug. I stiffened at first, not expecting such intimacy from a stranger, but I soon hugged him back. I couldn't stop the tears. I don't even know what possessed me to open up to him like that. Maybe I really was desperate for someone to come and make my life better.

“Shh, it'll be alright, Andrew, I promise. God loves you, I swear he does,” Charles said.

“Yeah, well, I'll believe it when I see it. I wish his followers weren't so fucking intolerant. I hate feeling inhuman,” I said.

“We're really not all as bad as Craig, you know. I don't even know if Craig really believes anymore, or if he just gets off on screwing choirboys. He's a bad influence anyway. You're better off staying far away from him,” Charles said, letting me go so he could drink his coffee.

“I left 7 years ago and never wanted to see him again. Then he turns up in my life again and all I want to do is run away again. He always looked like trouble. That angelic face of his disguised just how evil he could be. Seems he hasn't changed in 7 years. So when did you turn up?” I said, drying my eyes with a napkin. I probably looked a right mess. 

“Five years ago. Parents moved here and well, mum was always a fan of big churches, so here we are. It's alright. I don't know if I'm coming back once I turn 18 though. I've made it clear to them I will make my own mind up about my faith. Maybe I might go to another church. I don't know. How have you survived all this time without belief?” Charles said.

“You make it sound like something completely incomprehensible. I got on just fine. I lived my life and that was that. Not having to pay attention to God and pray and say rosary all the time was nice, and I didn't feel guilty for looking at cute boys either. I didn't feel the need to find things to say during confession, or to feel guilty for what I think are natural human desires. I felt freer to be myself than I did stuck in church all the time,” I said.

“But don't you care that you won't be saved and go to Heaven when you die?” Charles said.

“Morality is not dependent on religion. I'm a perfectly decent human being and I'm not religious,” I said.

“But you're not going to be saved. Don't you care about your soul at all?” Charles said.

“I'm not even sure if I have one, or if I do, what on earth it is. I've spent a lot of time not thinking about religion at all,” I said.

“Maybe you should start thinking about it again. Don't you feel empty without any religion at all?” Charles said.

“I feel empty, but not because I have no faith. It may be some time before I don't feel like this anymore. The sooner school ends the better. I need to get away from that place,” I said.

“But won't you leave your friends behind?” Charles said.

“I don't have any I care enough about. I need to get away from places flooded with Christians. I feel so fucking suffocated,” I said.

“I suppose you don't want to be friends with me then. Do you only want atheists as friends then?” Charles said.

“I want to make friends with people who will support me, not constantly say they're my friend while preaching to me to change my ways,” I said.

“Would you like me to stop preaching then? I'm sorry, I just don't want people to miss out on the joy I find in it,” Charles said.

“Maybe later I'll feel like exploring religion again, but right now, I'm not at that stage yet. I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I've been surrounded by classical music all my life that I don't know how to do anything else, but it brings me no joy so I'm lost as to what I else should be doing,” Andrew said.

“You're a musician? I never would've guessed. What do you play?” Charles said.

“Piano, violin and viola, though I'm not sure how much longer I'll bother with the strings. They're even less fun than piano,” I said, remembering the music books I had in my bag from my lesson that day.

“Why are you still continuing with it if you don't enjoy it?” Charles said.

“I don't want to disappoint my parents, but now that I've got all this skill, I'm not sure I ever want to use it now. I'm not sure I ever wanted this, but I was too young to protest at the time and I suppose I just wanted to make them proud of me, so I kept on trying to be the best I could be because I didn't see any other point to it,” I said.

“So, you've never heard anything other than classical music? Is that the only kind of music you know? Geez, you have had a deprived childhood,” Charles said.

“It's all I hear at home. I've never heard anything other than classical music, and perhaps a little jazz. It's some unspoken rule or something, and most of the time, I'm too busy to do anything other than practice and study,” I said.

“I think you need to take control of your life. You're nearly an adult. It's time you decided what to do, not bow to the whims of your parents,” Charles said.

“But that's just it. I don't know what else to do. Music is all I know. I mean, I can write, but it's that or music. I don't think I'm good at anything else,” I said.

“What's so wrong about pursuing music anyway?” Charles said.

“I want to do something I enjoy, not just something I'm good at,” I said.

“Here, listen to this. Maybe if you listened to something other than classical music, you might enjoy it more,” Charles said, pulling out his walkman.

“Oh, no, I couldn't, I'm not allowed to-”

“Just listen to it. It won't destroy your soul. It's just music,” Charles said, offering it to me.

I did take it from him though, driven by utter curiosity at something I'd never been allowed to listen to. I think my mind exploded as I pressed 'play'. I'd never heard anything like it before, but knew damn straight that that was the kind of music I wanted to make. It was exciting and different and loud and completely mind-blowing.

“What the hell is this stuff?” I said. I was in awe of what I'd just heard.

“That, my dear Andrew, is rock music,” Charles said.

“That's incredible. Could I learn to do that too?” I said.

“I don't see why not. You can play piano and make rock music,” Charles said.

“No, no, I think I want to learn guitar,” I said.

“So go learn guitar then. Go be a rock star,” Charles said with a grin.

“But how do I learn to make music like that?” I said.

“I don't know. I'm not a musician, am I?” Charles said. “Why don't you come back to my place? I've got more music if you want to listen to it.”

“Oh, I don't know. I should get home soon,” I said, noticing how low in the sky the sun was.

“Christ, aren't you even allowed to go over to a friend's house? I didn't think you were that sheltered,” Charles said.

“Oh, I'm not, it's just that-” I paused. “You know what? Screw them. I want to hear all the music you've got.” It was an urge that was too strong to resist.

“Excellent. Come on then. Finish your coffee and let's get out of here. You can stay the night if you like. I don't exactly live nearby, and it is a Friday night,” Charles said.

“Alright, that might be nice. I haven't stayed over at a friend's house in ages,” I said.

“When was the last time you had a weekend to yourself to do with as you please?” Charles said.

“I can't remember. I'm usually too busy,” I said.

“Well then. It's about time you had another one,” Charles said, getting to his feet. “Come on. We gotta run or we'll miss the bus,” he said as he checked his watch.

I grabbed my bag and followed him back out of the café. It was a bit of a walk back to the bus station, but we got there in the end just as the bus was about to leave. If we'd been any slower, we'd have missed it. We ran on board and fell into our seats as the bus drove off. 

It was exhilarating. Here I was, running off to some boy's house I'd only just met and had no intention of coming home that night. My mum would be pissed. I couldn't have been happier. And Charles had awesome music that I wanted to drown myself in before I had to go back home again.

Maybe there was a god if he decided to throw Charles into my life like that.


	2. Chapter Two: Craig

No one touches my Chris. Not even that faggot emo kid who came by earlier. He looked strangely familiar, but I didn't know his name. It wasn’t important. I saw him checking out my baby. He had to be told off. Chris did think I was being a touch harsh with him, but it didn't matter. He was no longer a threat to me. 

We watched faggot boy run off, tail between his legs. I laughed. I couldn’t help it. Chris just looked at me as if I’d just strangled a cat or something. 

“What?” I snapped. 

“Did you have to be so cruel to him? He didn’t deserve that. He might've actually been interested in coming here again, and you’ve just gone and scared him off,” Chris said. 

“What, so now you suddenly care? I don’t recall you being nice to him either,” I said. 

“I hate that I act like you when you’re around. I feel so ungodly. I shouldn’t have said what I said to him. He looked lost, Craig. Maybe we could’ve helped him,” Chris said. 

“No, he doesn’t need our help. Let him find it elsewhere if he’s that desperate,” I said. 

“You really are a selfish bastard. Just go away, alright? I need to pray,” Chris said, pushing me away. 

I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him close again. I wasn’t letting him get away that quickly. “You’re just a _filthy_ _whore_ ,” I whispered harshly into his ear. I spat the words, wanting him to really feel it.

Chris shivered, and grasped my hand tightly. I smiled smugly. He was such an easy conquest. He was so insecure and pitiful when I found him crying outside the church after choir practice one afternoon. I coaxed him round the back, crawled under his choir robes, and sucked him off good. He was mine then, mine to do with as I pleased. 

“Please, let me go. You might not have faith, but at least respect mine,” Chris said. He never raised his voice in church, even when we were arguing. He cared about such matters more than I did, but I found it hard to yell at him when he wasn’t yelling back. 

“Fine. But be quick about it. I need you,” I said, brushing a hand across his arse. 

“You never need me. You use me, that’s all. There are plenty of other choir boys to screw if I refuse you. I’m beginning to think you’re incapable of loving another human being,” Chris said. 

“Aww, c’mon, you know I love you, Chris,” I said, wrapping an arm around him. 

“No, you don’t. You never have. You don’t know how to love, and until you do, I don’t want to see you anymore. You’re taking me away from God, and I can’t do that. Not for someone like you,” Chris said. 

“Are you _dumping_ me? In a _church_? What, wasn’t I good enough for you?” I said, his words taking me by surprise. 

“You have a heart of stone, Craig. You love no one but yourself, and even then, that’s debatable. I could be any one of those choristers and it wouldn’t matter to you as long as they let you fuck them. You need help, Craig. You need to learn how to love, because without it, you’re dead, and I don’t want to fuck a dead man,” Chris said. 

I stood there in shock. He’d never said any of this to me before. He pulled away from me and left me. I didn’t stop him. He didn’t even say goodbye. He just… left. He walked out of that fucking church and left me. I had no idea how to react. 

No one leaves me. Not like that. I use them, get tired of them, and find another. They don’t just… leave. They can’t leave! Chris can’t leave! 

I was torn between running after him, and running to the vestry to find someone else to fuck. 

Instead, I chose to stay where I was. I got no sex from him that day. I was… hurt. Chris had hurt me. He left me. It shouldn’t hurt, should it? I mean, I never cared for him. He was just an arse to fuck. I’d find him in the vestry after practice once everyone had gone and he’d be bare-arsed over the table, waiting for me. It’s how they all were. 

And before you ask, no, I'm not religious, I just like using it to snare cute boys. Catholics are such repressed little angels. My charm gets them every single time. Oh, Christ, I swear I could fuck choir boys for the rest of my life. Horny little bastards. 

But maybe Chris did have a point. I don’t think I’d ever loved any of the boys I’d been screwing. All I cared about was the sex, and they were more than willing to leave it at that. They were all good little Catholics who needed to be fucked up the arse but refused a relationship. It suited everyone. No one talked about it, and things were fine. 

But clearly Chris was different. For some reason, I think he actually meant something to me. I’d certainly been with him longer than any of the others, and when we’d sit on the lawn outside church on a Sunday afternoon, I really enjoyed just talking to him. I still didn’t have any desire to be religious, but it didn’t seem to matter. 

Chris was older than me, you see. He was 18, and I was 16. I always envied how devoted he was to his faith. It gave him this – I don’t even know how to describe it. He was always trying to make me believe, but I don’t think faith is the sort of thing you can just switch on or off like that. Either you have it or you don’t. 

I indulged him the first time he wanted to just sit and talk. I usually didn't hang around apart from for sex, so the fact that he was asking me to hang around was unusual. It was weird, that first time. We talked about things I can't say I've ever given much thought to. I had no answers for him then, and I still don't. I only cared about sex. But the more we talked, the more I got to know him. I suppose I brushed him off as I was so unused to this sort of relationship and didn't really know how to cope with it. He slowly coaxed me out of my shell as well. I'm not much of a talker, nor one to express my feelings, but he made it okay. There was something about him that gave me permission to tell him things I'd never told anyone else. 

One afternoon, we even kissed, on the lawn in front of the church. I'd never kissed any of the others before. It was sweet and gentle and warm and unlike nothing I'd ever experienced before. Before I could acknowledge any feelings for him, I shut it out and pretended it didn't exist. 

You see, Craig does not fall in love with any of his conquests. It just doesn't happen. Or so I thought. Perhaps I should've realised back then that he wasn't just another arse to fuck. Maybe then he wouldn't have left me. 

I don’t know how long I stood there for, staring out an open door, as if he was going to just come running back in at any moment. I wasn’t even aware I was crying until Chas decided to do his own taunting, which, let’s face it, I probably deserved. I'm the first to admit my behaviour was nowhere near Godly. 

“Look, Jules, it’s a miracle! The statue’s crying!” 

I knew they were talking about me. I wasn’t exactly known for being the most sympathetic person around. But their presence surprised me and I quickly dried my eyes. I turned to see their sneering faces. I just got angry. 

“Fuck off. What are you looking at?” I said. 

“I see someone who looks like Craig who appears to be upset. But it can't be Craig, because Craig doesn't care about anyone. So, come on. What have you done with the real Craig? And can we keep you instead?” Chas said. 

“Shut up. Just shut up. Like I'm going to tell you what's wrong,” I said. 

I turned and left the church. I was in no mood to talk to anyone, not when I'd been dumped by one of my conquests. How fucking humiliating. 

“Hey, wait, Craig, don't go, he didn't mean it,” Julian said, grabbing my arm. 

“Leave it, Jules. What do you care what's upsetting me?” I said, looking back at him over my shoulder. 

“Because we're decent human beings, and you're clearly upset about something. I'm not asking you to spill your guts, but we're here to talk to, if you want,” Julian said. 

“It's fine. I'll deal with it on my own,” I said. 

“Sure you will. Come on, we'll go talk about it. None of your boyfriends have ever made you cry before,” Julian said, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and leading me out into the sunlight. 

It seemed I didn't have a choice. We sat down under one of the trees. I remained silent, still not wanting to talk to them. Julian and Chas, to their credit, didn't push me. But it was their silence that made me relent. 

“Chris left me. Said I was incapable of loving another human being,” I said. 

“And are you?” Julian said. 

“Apparently not. Otherwise, I wouldn't be this upset that he's left me. I’d have already moved onto the next one,” I said. 

“So what are you going to do?” Julian said. 

“I don't know. He said he didn't want to see me anymore, not until I'd learnt how to love,” I said. I lay back on the grass, staring up at the sky through the leaves. “I never fall in love. I just screw them until I get bored and move onto the next one. Chris was always supposed to be just that. Just like all the rest. But he's not, and I fell for him without realising I had, and now I'm scared and don't know what to do.” 

“Do you love him? And if so, do you really understand what that means?” Julian said. 

“I don't know, because I don't know what it feels like to be in love. But I want him back, Jules. He was… nice. I liked his company. I never gave anyone else the time I gave him. There must be something there that I failed to notice before now,” I said. 

“Well, I suppose that's as good as any indication where you're concerned. Is there anyone in that choir you haven't fucked yet?” Julian said. 

I blushed. I fucking blushed. My God. What was happening to me? I wanted to crawl into a hole and die as I counted them off in my head. There were rather a lot of them for a boy of 16. I can't even remember why I started in the first place. If I don't grow up to be a prostitute, I'll be very surprised. I don't seem to have developed any other skills. Perhaps I should give this some proper thought while I'm still young. 

“You don't have to answer that. But answer me this. What would you do if you had him back with you right now?” Julian said. 

“I'd kiss him and take his hands and tell him how fucking sorry I am for acting like a jerk and tell him he deserves someone better than me and let him go. Because I don't know how to love and I don't want to hurt him because I do like him and all I do is fuck around. He's so much better than me. I deserve his scorn and hatred. I don't even know if he likes me. Don't see why he should. I'm a shallow, vain, conceited, arrogant teenager. He's all pious and shit. What would he want with me?” I said. 

“I don't know, but I'm sure there's someone hiding behind that arrogant mask of yours that craves love, even if he doesn't know how to find it,” Julian said. 

“Or what to do with it once he's found it. Completely by accident. And wishes to run far away from it because it scares him shitless,” I said. 

“Oh, come on, mate, it's not the end of the world. Love is something to be celebrated, not something to run away from,” Julian said. 

“It is when you've spent all your time fucking boys with no desire for love,” I said. 

“Hey, you did that on your own. No one made you do that,” Julian said. 

“I know,” I said with a sigh. “So what do I do?” 

“Give him some time to cool off. Because, like it or not, you did screw him over, and he might not want to go back with you,” Julian said. 

I gave a non-committal grunt. Julian’s gentle questioning had helped me articulate a few things, but I was still clueless as to what I should do. 

“I suggest you take some time to really think about what it is you want from all this. What’s it achieving? Why are you doing this? Why are you still hanging around here when you keep stating you don’t believe? Because I don’t think you’ll know what to do until you’ve answered those questions for yourself,” Julian said. 

“Craig, just a question. Are you scared of God?” Chas said. 

“I don’t know if I even believe in him anymore. He’s… I don’t know. I don’t know how to say it,” I said. 

“Why don’t you go sit in the gardens for a while? Things might become clearer there,” Julian suggested. 

I lay there still as they got up and left. I didn’t go to the gardens until they were well out of sight. I didn’t want them to see me following their advice. I’m stubborn like that. 

They were nice gardens though, enclosed in a wall with a wrought iron gate. I must admit I’d always found the gardens very peaceful in the few times I’d been in them. I always shut the gate quietly. It was the one place I was kinda respectful, you know? It was Mary’s garden, after all. 

There was a gazebo thing towards the middle. I slowly made my way towards it. It was surrounded by roses and a cherry tree. I was a little annoyed to find it already occupied, but I was too stubborn to go somewhere else. It was someone I had rather not met that day. It was the pastor’s son, Dominic. He was also in the choir, but even I have standards, and I don’t go near kids like that. More chance of being caught and getting into trouble. 

But I did sit down on the bench away from him. I prayed he would ignore me. I didn’t need him bothering me. Pity I wasn’t going to get my wish. He moved closer to me after a moment. I looked up at him, wondering if I could get away with strangling him. 

“Hey. You alright?” he said. 

“I’m fine. Fuck off, will you? I want to be alone,” I said, feeling a little guilty for swearing, but not knowing another way to get rid of him. 

“Sorry. I was just surprised to see you here. I thought you didn’t believe,” he said. 

“I don’t. I just want somewhere quiet to think, and you’re disturbing my silence,” I said, glaring at him. 

“Oh. Sorry. Do you want me to go? I mean, I was going to come and see you anyway. You know, cos I heard you got sick of Chris, that’s all, and I was curious-” 

“You’re fucking propositioning me in Mary’s garden? How fucking clever,” I said, shaking my head in disbelief. Of all the things to happen in that fucking garden, it was that. 

He slid closer to me and I flinched as he rested a hand on my thigh. Fuck. My body was responding when my mind was against it. 

“Go away. Please. I don’t need this right now,” I said. 

“So why are you hard then? Sure you don’t want to take care of that?” he said. 

I cringed. I wanted to smack him. Insufferable idiot. His hand was moving up my leg and my body seemed powerless to stop him. If he got any further, I’d take him, and I really didn’t want to. 

He was leaning against me now, a hand gripping my arm desperately. “Please. I want you to be my first,” he whispered. 

I shut my eyes and tried to fight him. It was a losing battle. No teenage boy can resist the opportunity for sex when aroused. I soon had him on his knees, bent over the bench, his pants around his ankles, as I grabbed his hips and thrust into him. If he wanted a fuck so badly, he was damn well going to get it. 

But then I should’ve expected what happened next. Remember what I said about fucking pastors’ kids? Yeah. Don’t go there. Especially not in Mary’s garden and you’re sodomising his son. Generally not a good look when you’re caught. And we were caught. 

I was pulled away from him, while Dom cowered in fear. His father was angry, alright. The gist of his tirade was basically that I had committed a mortal sin and that I was now banned from ever stepping foot on the church grounds ever again. Or he would fucking rip my arms off. Charming man. 

Truth be told, I was glad to be out of there. I never wanted to see them again anyway. I had no reason to stay around. I'd stopped believing a long time ago, and the only reason I stayed was because I was never asked to leave. I still wonder why. It's not like my activities weren't unknown to those involved. The whole choir knew, even if they weren't interested. It was all need to know. I dressed and left. He called after me that he was going to get me excommunicated. Fine. Whatever. I didn't care. 

I did say a silent apology to Mary as I left the gardens though. I felt bad for desecrating her sacred space. Maybe that would be as religious as I would ever get. 

I was angry at myself for giving into that kid. I didn't want to, but I'd done it anyway, and I got myself kicked out for my troubles. Perhaps it was God telling me to get a fucking life or something. 

All I know is that I didn't sleep that night because I was awake all night thinking about what on earth I was going to do, now that Chris had left me, and I'd been kicked out of the church. I hated that I was troubled by it. I knew what mortal sins were and what committing them meant. And if truth be told, I'd fucked an awful lot of boys on sacred ground. 

I suppose it was always coming. My sinning would only be tolerated for so long before I would be punished. I wasn't at that point in my life where the consequences mattered. I didn't have enough faith to be all that troubled by what I'd done to my soul. But I missed Chris badly, and a part of me wondered if his faith would win out over any love he might have for me, and the one guy I might've loved would leave my life forever. 

I got up before dawn and went to the phone. I wanted to call him. Did he know I'd been kicked out? I got as far as resting my hand on the receiver before I chickened out. I'd called him a few times since he'd given me his number. I'd only call when I was home alone. We'd talk about things. It was nice to hear his voice. 

I went and made a cup of tea before I found myself at the phone again. This time I dialled, but as soon as I heard his half-asleep voice, I hung up. I couldn't bear to talk to him. I went into the lounge room and switched the TV on. I leant back against the couch as the early morning programs took my mind off what had happened. I needed the distraction. I'd work out what to do later. 


	3. Chapter Three: Andrew

I was relieved my mother was okay with me staying with Charles. She was worried I'd miss a weekend of practice, but I convinced her I'd be fine. I smiled as she talked to Charles, wanting to talk to the boy who was going to be looking after me. I saw him cringe as my mother quite obviously gave him a lecture on what I was and wasn't allowed to do. I could tell Charles was quite prepared to ignore them all. 

I loved the life in his eyes. He let me finish the phone call then grabbed my hands and dragged me off for dinner, telling me not to tell my mum we were going to disregard everything she'd just asked him to do. 

I liked his family. They were good people. Argued like hell though, but not in a bad way. I was fascinated by them. He and his sister had clearly been brought up to be opinionated and independent in a way I hadn't been. His sister wanted to get into politics. One look at her and I was quite sure she'd do it. 

It wasn't til late that night when Charles and I had time to ourselves. I was still in my school uniform, having not had a chance to ask Charles for something else to wear, not when I was having such a good time listening to them talking. We retreated to his bedroom. He shut the door behind him to give us some privacy before he started rummaging around in his dresser for something I could wear. 

“Hmm, you're a skinny little bastard, aren't you? See if you fit into these,” Charles said, handing me a pair of tracksuit pants. 

I slid my blazer off and hung it on the door knob before I kicked my shoes off. And then I hesitated. My brain decided it just couldn't make me undress in front of a total stranger. 

“Oh, come on. Don't be shy. I won't look, I promise. Well, not unless you don't want me to,” Charles said. 

Okay, so I wasn't that surprised he was hitting on me, but I wasn't sure how far I really wanted to go just yet. I wasn't even sure I liked Charles that way. He was so forthright yet there was this softer side to him shining through as well. You might've called him effeminate if he didn't have that stronger side to him. He confused me that way, but I liked him for it. 

He approached me and cupped my face. I wasn't sure what to do. He slid a hand down my arm and pried the pants he'd just given me from my hand. They dropped to the floor. His fingers gently held my hand and all I could see was those hypnotic eyes and that cocky smile. 

His kiss was so gentle and soft, I barely believed it had happened. He turned away afterwards, as if ashamed he'd done it. 

“Sorry. I didn't mean to, I just – You just looked beautiful, that's all,” Charles said. I almost thought he was blushing. 

I think I blushed then. It had been a while since anyone had shown any interest in me, let alone called me beautiful. “I looked beautiful? Me?” I didn't believe it. I was a scrawny skinny runt. I was not someone to be lusted over, school had made that perfectly clear to me. 

“Yeah. You. Do you want me to show you?” Charles said. 

“Show me? How?” I was as sceptical as I was curious. 

“Just – take your shirt off. I want to take some photos of you,” Charles said. 

“O-Okay, I suppose so. But don't be surprised if I break your camera,” I said. 

I still hesitated though. I was afraid he'd think I was ugly. But I did as he asked and unbuttoned my shirt, letting it slip off my shoulders. I hugged my arms across my chest as I watched Charles fetch his camera and get it ready. 

“Hey, don't look so ashamed. You're not ugly, alright? Here, open your arms. Let me have a look at you,” Charles said, prying my arms away from my body. 

I stood there as he looked me over. I wasn't convinced he could make me look beautiful. “You're not going to show these to anyone are you? I don't think my mother would approve of you taking pictures of me half-naked.” 

“Nah, I'll go borrow the dark room at dad's work. Then I can develop them myself and not worry about anyone seeing them,” Charles said. 

“You're really going to do this, aren't you?” I said. 

“Yeah, I am. Hey, where'd you get that bruise anyway? Did Craig actually hit you before?” Charles said. 

“Oh that? Um, no, I got that a couple of days ago. Someone saw fit to remind me at school that I was worthless,” I said, cringing as I remembered how I'd gotten it. 

“Shit. That sucks. Does it still hurt?” Charles was all concern now. 

“A little.” It did still hurt, but not enough to trouble me that much. I hated that I'd gotten used to it. “I bet I look pathetic, don't I?” 

“No, no, well, okay, maybe a little. But I like it,” Charles said. 

He lifted the camera and I stood there awkwardly as he took some photos of me. I felt so exposed and naked, even though I still had my trousers on. It was a strange experience. No one had ever… seen me like this before. I'd never felt brave enough to even consider this sort of intimacy before. 

I tried to follow his instructions as best I could when he'd tell me to stand this way or that, but it felt too artificial. We talked a lot. He pried things from me, some things I'd never told anyone before because I was afraid of what others might think. Some things weren’t easy to talk about. Some things needed to be talked about. And then he started talking about the relative merits of My Little Ponies versus Rainbow Brite and who would bring the better political system and I lost it completely. 

Then the photos just got silly. He’d broken down my shell and there I was, sticking my tongue out immaturely and taunting the camera. He even joined in and took some of us together. I think he managed to get one of me licking his cheek. My mother definitely should never be allowed to see those photos. 

Finally, we lay on the bed together. I leaned against his chest, nestled in the crook of his arm. It was nice, just lying there. Charles was tracing light patterns on my skin with his fingers. 

“If you could change just one thing about your life, what would it be?” Charles said. 

“You’d be there,” I said almost immediately. “Then I wouldn’t be alone anymore.” 

“Aww, how sweet of you,” Charles said with a grin. 

“I’m going to be sad to leave here. I’ll miss you terribly,” I said. 

“Come hang out at the cathedral. I’m usually there after school. Then we can hang afterwards and you can have a bit of a breather before you go home,” Charles said. 

“That might be nice. Won’t be able to stay long, but I’d like to see you again,” I said. 

“Well, come by and see me. I’m not there Tuesdays, though. But any other weekday is fine. We’ll go for coffee or something and you can bitch about your day,” Charles said. 

I chuckled quietly. Mum would need a little convincing to let me do this, but I knew what to stress to her to make her agree. Besides, if I drop the strings already, I’ll have more time to spare. Just the thought of spending an afternoon with Charles again, just doing nothing, felt like heaven. I must’ve been grinning ear to ear, I reckon. 

“I think the photos will come out beautifully, just like you,” Charles said, changing the topic on me. 

“You really think so?” I said. 

“Yours is a fragile beauty, Andrew. I'd hate to see someone break that,” Charles said. 

I turned around and lay on my stomach, propping myself up with my arms as I looked at him. “No one's ever said anything like that to me before. Well, no one’s said it to me and meant it,” I said. 

“I know we've only just met, but I really like you. And I know you've been through some bad shit, and you deserve better. That fragility needs looking after by someone who's not going to take advantage of you and break you,” Charles said. 

“If only it was that easy, Charles.” I think that was my round-about way of saying I was petrified of a relationship with Charles, even though I knew it would be good for me. 

Charles just looked up at me and smiled as he pulled me into a kiss, slow, sweet and gentle. I kissed back tentatively, still getting used to that sort of attention. 

“Come on, let's go watch some TV. You haven't seen any music videos yet,” Charles said. 

“Um, can I get changed first? Or at least grab a jumper or something?” I said, not wanting to go out there shirtless. 

“Oh, yeah, sure. Go put those pants on and I'll find a shirt for you. You cold, are you?” Charles said, leaving me as he went to find me something to wear. 

“A little, yeah,” I said. I slid my pants off with less hesitation now and pulled on the pants he'd given me before. They were a little big, but they had a tie I could tighten them with. 

“Here, try that on,” Charles said, handing me a shirt. 

I pulled it on. It was a bit big for me, but I didn't care. He threw me a jumper a moment later and I pulled it on gladly. He stood there and looked me over. 

“Everything alright?” I said. 

“Yeah, just making sure it fits alright. Christ, you're skinny,” Charles said. 

“Yeah, sorry about that. It's not intentional, you know,” I said. 

“I know. Don't worry about it. Come on, let's go watch some TV. You want some coffee or something?” Charles said. 

“Um, sure. That'd be nice,” I said. 

He took my hand and dragged me into the kitchen. I leant against the bench as he made us coffee. I wondered what it was about Charles that made me trust him so easily. I was usually never that quick to trust anyone, and yet he’d managed to get a level of intimacy out of me that I thought would take years of work for me to become comfortable with. Okay, slight exaggeration perhaps, but you get my drift. 

We had the TV on quietly as everyone else was asleep. We curled up on the couch. Evidently, we were waiting for rage to start. I wasn’t sure what I was about to see. I never had time to watch TV. I was always too busy with school and music and sleeping in between to do anything else. By the time I’d done all my study and practice, I was ready for bed. 

Clearly, I’d be staying up way past my bedtime that night. He took my hand as we sat there. Just gently. I think it was more so he knew I was still there than for anything else. It was a comforting thing. 

“Hey, you alright? Not tired are we? Cos we could just go to bed and get up early instead,” Charles said. 

“Nah, I’ll be alright. The coffee will help anyway,” I said. 

“Well, if you’re sure. I can always go and grab us a blanket if we get cold,” Charles said. 

“You just want an excuse to snuggle, don’t you?” I said. 

“Okay, maybe I do. But that’s not such a bad thing is it?” Charles said with a grin that wasn’t entirely innocent. 

“Depends on what your real motive is,” I said. “How ‘sort of’ gay are you really, Charles?” 

“Well, um, I’m not sure. But I like you. Well, I don’t know if I _like_ you, but you know,” Charles said, less than confident about his words for once. 

“That didn’t make things any clearer, you know,” I said.

“That’s as clear as it gets, I’m afraid. Not that I talk to anyone about it. It’s wrong and all that stuff, you know?” Charles looked at me then as if he was pleading with me both to keep his secret and help him figure himself out. 

“There’s nothing wrong with being gay. It’s not easy being gay, but it’s not wrong.” 

“Are you out yet? I don’t think my parents would like that if I told them I was gay.” 

“Not really. Don’t have anyone to tell, do I?” 

“You’re all alone then? How do you cope?” 

“Well, not really alone, there’s just no one I trust enough to confide in.” 

“Oh, right. I’ve often wondered if I was, you know? But I’ve never been brave enough to find out. I figure it’s safer to not be than have that crap.” 

“You’re lucky then. I don’t have that privilege.” 

“I don’t think God loves me any less for my feelings, but sometimes I feel like I should just let them go and forget about them. What do you think?” 

“I don’t think you should be afraid to be yourself, though I understand why it’s hard to do that. I can’t tell you what you are. You have to work that out on your own.” 

“Can I kiss you again?” 

“Sure.”

He hesitated. He brought my face close to his, and he looked into my eyes, searching. Then we kissed again, just like before, sweet, soft and gentle. 

“I – I like this. It feels nice,” Charles stated. 

“Yeah, it does. I’ve never had anyone pay so much attention to me before,” I said. 

“Could we-? I mean, I know it’s kinda presumptuous and I know we’ve only just met, but I’d like to see you again because… Because I like you and I want to kiss you again,” Charles said. 

I pulled away from him a little. It wasn’t that I wasn’t interested; I was just unused to that sort of intimacy and needed some time to relax into it. I was still trying to comprehend someone actually liking me that way. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you like that. I don’t normally do this, but I’ve never felt so close to someone before and I just thought-” 

“Oh, no, it’s not that. Please, just give me some time, okay? I’m not used to this at all. The fact that you’re even interested is still sinking in. I’m not ready for that sort of relationship, not yet,” I said. 

“Oh, okay. Sorry. I didn’t mean to rush you. Forget I said anything,” Charles said. 

“Look, let’s just get to know each other first. Then we’ll talk about something more, okay?” I said. 

“Okay. Sorry. I nearly buggered that up, didn’t I?” Charles said. 

“Yeah, you did, but don’t feel bad about it. I think we’re both finding our feet here,” I said. 

“Do you think we could ever have anything together?” Charles said. 

“Anything’s possible, Charles. We’ve only just met,” I said. “Why did you come and talk to me anyway? No one usually bothers to pay attention to me when I’m upset like that. They usually just kick dirt in my face.” 

“I dunno. You just looked like you needed a friend, that’s all. I thought I could cheer you up for a bit. Wasn’t really expecting this to happen though,” Charles said. 

“Neither was I. You're not going to lead me along and then dump me and humiliate me are you? That's how relationships usually go, isn't it?” I said. I was still bitter from what they'd done to me at school. A select few seemed to think that they existed solely to humiliate me. It hadn't exactly done wonders for my self-esteem. 

“That's what they've done to you? Seriously?” Charles said. 

“Yeah. Even someone I once counted as a friend. Why? What is it about me that tells them to use me like that?” I said, still hurt at the betrayal. 

“Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe because you're runty, gay and seem unable to stick up for yourself? If you offer no fight, they'll just keep beating you down,” Charles said. 

“So glad I'm almost out of there. I need space to stretch my wings and get away from their shit,” I said. 

“Well, you're free to spend as much time as you like here with me if you just want to escape for a while,” Charles said. 

“Thanks. I think I need to just get away from home for a while. I feel so overwhelmed with everything sometimes and whenever I try to bring this up with my parents, I just get ignored and told to practice more. I need a break, Charles. I can't do this any longer. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Add bullying at school and it's no wonder I want to just leave and never come back,” I said. 

“I’ve made a decision. You’re staying here all weekend, and you’re not going to do any school work or studying or practice or anything. You’re just going to stay here and chill for a few days. You fucking need it, by the sound of it,” Charles said. 

“Yeah, you’re probably right there. The lengths I have to go to, just to make my mother let me rest for a day or two,” I said with a weary sigh. 

“I’m not letting you go home until you’re properly relaxed. I mean it. It’ll do you a world of good,” Charles said, squeezing my shoulders gently. “My god, you’re so tense. No wonder you’re so grouchy.” 

I managed a weak smile as he shifted me around on the couch so he could properly massage my shoulders. He was… He was really quite good at it. I hadn’t realised how tense they were until he started. His hands worked gently yet firmly as they worked the muscles in my back. 

I felt wonderful after he’d finished. He pulled me around into another soft kiss. I loved the way he kissed. It was so selfless and curious. We kissed again. I could get used to this sort of attention. 

It was only the sound of music coming from the TV that stopped our kissing. His eyes lit up with excitement as he turned to the screen. I wasn’t even sure what I was hearing and seeing, but I liked it. It was so completely different to what I’d previously been exposed to. 

We talked a lot. He told me who some of the bands were, the different styles of music, everything, really. I tried to relate it all back to the music I knew for some sort of context. 

I can’t even remember what time we got to bed, either. It was definitely late though. I was falling asleep on the couch, so Charles prodded me awake and we went back to his room as quietly as we could and crashed. We ended up sharing his bed. Neither of us had remembered to set up a spare bed, and neither of us felt like bothering. 

He held me all night as I slept. I’d never shared a bed before, not with someone like Charles. He even kissed me goodnight. He’s a very sweet boy underneath all that pride. I couldn’t remember sleeping so well in ages. Perhaps it was Charles. It was easy to just let go and relax around him. Maybe it was because I didn’t know him from school, so there was no reminder of what I would have to face on Monday. With Charles, I could escape and enter a totally new world and forget about everything. 

I woke after midday. Charles was still asleep. I just lay there and watched him sleeping. I wanted to remember this moment all week. I wanted to remember what it was like to be loved and cherished and accepted for who you are when I was being cornered during lunch and punched. I craved happy memories. It was how I coped. I needed to know I was loved, otherwise I fell to pieces. 

“Whatcha thinking about?” Charles whispered, taking me by surprise as he still seemed asleep. 

“I was just watching you. I rarely find moments of peace like that. I hope you don’t mind,” I said. 

“Nah, nah, is alright. Was just wondering. Sleep well?” Charles said. 

“Yeah, I did, actually. Haven’t slept that well in ages. Must be your fault,” I said. 

“Awesome. That’s something I’ll gladly take responsibility for,” Charles said with a grin. 

“Thank you. For everything,” I said. 

He opened his eyes then and smiled at me, brushing his thumb across my cheek. He pulled me into a gentle kiss, warm and loving. It occurred to me then that even if I was terrified of a relationship with him, I knew he’d treat me well, and that made all the difference in the world. 

“Shit. Why are you crying? You alright?” Charles was all concern and I hadn’t even realised I was crying. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just – you’re the most amazing guy I’ve ever met. I’ve never clicked with someone the way I’ve clicked with you. I almost wish you were at school with me. I could do with a friend like you around,” I said. 

“Consider yourself special then, sunshine. You really are more amazing than you give yourself credit for, you know. I’ll get those photos developed for you and you can pick some that you like to keep, if you want,” Charles said. 

“Have you taken photos of anyone else?” I said. 

“A few guys, yeah. Wanna have a look?” Charles said. 

“Yeah. I’d like that,” I said. 

Charles got up and crawled over me as he got out of bed to fetch the album he wanted. I sat up and waited for him to return. He rummaged around in his wardrobe before pulling out the large photo album and perching on the bed beside me as he opened it. 

“Here, his name’s Chas. Adorable little thing, he is. Don’t you just love his eyes? You could get lost in those eyes,” Charles said. The photos were taken out in a park on a sunny day, and Chas seemed to have the widest grin on his face all the time. He also couldn‘t sit still, or so the photos suggested.  He looked like fun. And yes, his eyes were strangely appealing. 

“Where do you know him from?” I asked. 

“School, and the Cathedral. He’s a couple of years below me. Mad as a hatter, but awesome fun to be around,” Charles said. 

“Wish I had friends as interesting as that,” I said. 

“You’ve got me. What are you complaining about? I also took some of Craig once. A few years back. Wanna see them, or should we skip to someone else?” Charles said. 

I hesitated. “Was that before he started fucking around?” 

“I couldn’t say, but he’s a cocky bastard if ever there was one. He enjoyed being rather obscene with my camera, which is why I never took any photos of him again. My poor camera was traumatised,” Charles said. 

“Really? Well, let’s see them then. I don’t really remember him as anything other than a little kid who loved getting into trouble,” I said. 

Charles turned the page and there he was, smug grin staring back at me. 

“He’d just turned thirteen, if I remember correctly. Thought he owned the entire world back then. The whole time he tried to goad me into messing around with him, as I think you can tell from the photos. There aren’t many. I kinda ran off,” Charles said. 

“You never fucked him?” 

“No, he was never interested in me, and I didn’t want him. I knew it would only end in tears. I watched the others flock to him and have their hearts broken. At first, he used to feign love with them to get them on board. That’s why it hurt so much. We lost a few choristers because of that. Craig soon learned to keep it on sex terms only. I watched him fucking boys in the vestry. I’m still disgusted by it. That’s no way to treat a church. I did actually take photos of it once. I had some stupid notion that I could get him into trouble only if I had proof, so that’s what I got. They’re not my best work, but they do show Craig fucking some poor chorister in the vestry. I almost wish I’d never taken them, but I hate destroying my work, so they remain intact,” Charles said. 

“I've barely seen him over the last seven years, but he's still got that childlike innocence about him here. Do you think he really is as callous as he likes to make out?” I said. 

“Sometimes, I think so, when I see what he does to them, but sometimes, I think he's just misguided and doesn't quite know what he's doing. I think it might be a different story if he wasn't so dominant. He wields all this power and I don't think he quite knows how to use it properly. I hope he settles down. The way he's living now won't bring him any happiness at all,” Charles said. 

“He's a big boy. I'm sure he can work all that out for himself. So are we doing anything this afternoon?” I said, not particularly wanting to discuss Craig all day. 

“Oh, um, I hadn't really thought that far ahead. I'd ask you what you usually do on a Saturday, but that's not going to be helpful. Anything you'd like to do, apart from nothing whatsoever to do with school?” Charles said. 

“I dunno. What do normal kids do on weekends?” I said. 

“Come on, let's go eat. I'm taking you shopping,” Charles said. “Got any cash, by the way?” 

“A little, yeah. Not really supposed to spend it though,” I said. 

“You're not really supposed to do a lot of things, aren't you? Come on, live a little,” Charles said. 

“Well, I suppose I could spend it, maybe a little. Shouldn't spend it all though. It's not really my money,” I said. 

“You need a job. Then you'll have your own money,” Charles said. 

“I barely have enough time for myself, let alone time for a job. It's not happening until after I finish school,” I said. 

“You going to go to uni then? Any idea what you want to do?” Charles said. 

“Not really. I haven't had time to really think about it on top of everything else. I'd have more time if I gave up the strings though. Maybe then I'd have an hour a day where I could just think about things and not spend all my time studying and sleeping,” I said. 

Charles shut the album and set it aside. “Come on, we've got a whole afternoon to ourselves. Let's not spend it moping about school, hey?” 

“Yeah, good idea,” I said. 

He took my hand and pulled me to my feet. After another soft kiss or three, he finally led us out to the kitchen to get us some food. No one was around, so the house was eerily quiet. He made us pancakes and topped them with the most obscene amount of cream, berries and honey I'd ever seen. But he seemed to be enjoying himself, so who was I to complain? They were very good though. I was thoroughly enjoying such a lazy and unhurried start to the day. Charles flicked through the paper while we ate. He was a smart boy, and I really enjoyed his company. 

He lent me some more clothes to wear after we'd eaten, and I stood there looking even skinnier than usual, wearing clothes that were clearly too big for me. He said we could buy me something that fit me so I didn't spend the whole time looking like some sort of tramp. I wasn't sure I had the money for that, but he assured me we'd be fine. I took him at his word and we set off for the shopping centre. It was a bright sunny day and I got caught up in Charles' enthusiasm. I couldn't remember the last day I'd had that was so enjoyable. I was beginning to feel like Charles was the first genuine friend I had, and I was more than glad for it. 


	4. Chapter Four: Craig

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> negl I keep forgetting how much I adore Stacey as a character. She was amazing. <3

I ended up watching TV all morning before my mother kicked me out and told me to go outside and do something productive. I ended up wandering around the suburb, thinking. Wasn't much else to do. I ended up at a park near the shops.  

I sat on a bench overlooking the lake. It was kinda quiet. I wasn’t sure what I should do. I was willing to admit I’d fucked with Chris to the point that he might not want to ever see me again. Maybe it was that realisation that I had no one left. Without the Cathedral boys, what else would I do with myself? 

Maybe it was my punishment for fucking boys. Maybe that was why I couldn’t love. Because I was trying to fall in love with boys and God didn’t like that. I shouldn’t care about that. I wasn’t religious. Why was I even considering that? 

Maybe I should only go with girls from now on. Maybe that would make up for all my sins. Maybe I could fall in love with them like I couldn’t with boys. It was always a distinct possibility. 

I thought of Mary then, and what had happened in the garden. I started crying. School had taught me to always respect the Lady, and I had failed her. I had desecrated her sacred gardens. I had no idea what to do to make up for it. I looked to the sky and begged for forgiveness, but none seemed to be forthcoming. Perhaps even she had turned her face from me. 

I stayed a while longer before I left. I was hungry and figured I should eat something. I wandered over to the shops nearby. I went to the little deli I usually went to and ordered some hot chips and gravy. It was what I was in the mood for. I leaned against the counter as they made them. I often came here. I liked the darkness, and the girl behind the counter. She was cute, and one of the few girls I’d ever paid any attention to. Her name was Stacey, and her dad owned the deli. We’d got to chatting a couple of years back, and she’d liked me, for some reason. I suppose we were friends more than anything. I suppose I liked her too. She was good to talk to. 

“You alright, Craig? You’re never this moody,” she said. 

“Eh? Oh, just thinking. Got a lot on my mind,” I said. 

“Why don’t I get dad to mind the shop and I’ll go buy you a coffee. We can talk if you want,” she said. 

I turned to face her. “Yeah. Yeah, that’d be nice. Thanks,” I said. 

“You can share your chips with me,” she said, grinning at me as her father brought the freshly cooked chips out and tipped them into the tray. 

“Oh, only if you’re nice,” I said, watching her elegant hands fill that plastic box with chips and pour gravy on them. 

“I’m always nice to you,” she said. “Dad, I’m gonna take a break, yeah?” 

“Go on then. Don’t be too long. I’ll need you when the delivery comes in,” her dad said, winking at her. 

She grabbed her things and left the counter, taking my arm as we left. She did buy us coffee before we went back to the park to find the same bench I was sitting on before. 

We sat there, eating in silence. I wasn’t sure what to say to her. I wasn’t sure it was a problem she could solve. I mean, she did know pretty much everything I’d done at that Cathedral. I’d known her long enough for her to know that. If she’d been religious, she may have disapproved, but she didn’t judge me. Why, I don’t know. I was thankful for it though. I didn’t need anyone looking down on me. 

“So, what’s the problem this time? One of the boys at church hassling you?” she said. 

“Something like that. I fucked up and got kicked out. Now Chris won’t speak to me. I don’t know what to do,” I said. 

“You know that was going to happen sooner or later, yeah? I mean, you’re not sorry you got kicked out, are you?” she said. 

“Yes and no. I don’t have enough faith to care, but I will miss the few friends I did have there. And Chris. It just won’t be the same without them. I’ll have to find other things to do with my time after school, won’t I?” I said. 

“You should come hang out at the shop with me. Though I will warn you. Hang around long enough and Dad will rope you into helping out. Stay long enough and you’ll end up working there. But it’s okay. There are worse places to be,” she said. 

“Yeah, that might be nice. Give me someone else to talk to,” I said. 

“Oh, come on, I can see you crushing from a mile away. You’re trouble, you are. But I’ll have you anyway, if you want me,” she said. 

There was a challenging look in her eyes. Did I really like this girl that way? Or was I more interested in a distraction? She gently brought me into a kiss. She was good at this. I wasn’t sure if it was lust, love, jealousy or guilt that was squirming around in my stomach. 

We broke apart and I just stared at her. I still wasn’t sure what I wanted. She would be safe, at least. I couldn’t get in trouble for fucking her, if I so desired. Unless her dad took particular issue with it. Did I even want that though? I wasn’t sure if I was interested in her merely because I wanted to spite Chris for rejecting me. 

“You’re preying on a messed-up, boy, you know,” I said. 

“I know. It’s kinda obvious. But you don’t have to. I’m happy to be a friend if you really want to get Chris back,” she said. 

“I don’t even know if that’s what I do want. I’m just not sure of anything right now, and I’d hate to get involved with you and hurt you. Can I have some time to think about this?” I said. 

“Sure. Sorry if I seemed pushy. Just thought you were interested, that’s all,” she said. 

“I do like you, Stace, that’s not the issue. It’s just complicated right now,” I said. 

“Don’t apologise for it. You’ve clearly got your own shit to deal with,” she said. 

“Thanks. I’m glad you understand,” I said. 

“You’ll come around eventually. You can’t stay away from me forever, you know,” she said, sticking her tongue out at me. 

I laughed. She was always good at making me laugh. She stole my chips from me then, and I watched in mock horror as she ate them in front of me. I’m not even sure how it happened, but we ended up on the grass wrestling. She ended up pinning me down, and she lay on top of me, our faces inches apart. She held my wrists tightly, grinning down at me. 

“You’re trying to get me into trouble,” I said. 

“Only because I like you. Wanna head back to my place?” she said. 

“Don’t you have to be back at the shop soon?” I said. 

“Dad can wait. It’s you I want right now,” she said. 

I swallowed. I hadn’t anticipated her being so forthright with me at all. Maybe I was surprised that someone else could be as sexually aggressive as I was. I had to admit, it was kind of a turn on. I’d never been with a girl before. Maybe she was what I needed to clear my head. 

I kissed her. She kissed me back. I was surprised at how much she was arousing me. I had thought I was strictly gay, but no, she seemed to be challenging that assumption. Maybe that was because I’d decided to go after girls now. Maybe it wasn’t. Whatever it was, it was working. 

We did go back to her place. The door was barely closed behind us before we began fucking. It seemed like a natural progression. I was more than a little surprised to discover Stacey had a dick though. It’s not like she hadn’t told me before. She had. I suppose I’d never quite accepted it as reality until she was straddling my hips, naked, and there it was. Before that, she was just a good mate, someone to talk to. What was between her legs was none of my business. But then I’d never been with anyone like her before. She really was someone completely outside my experience. 

“You are okay with this, aren’t you?” she said, brushing a finger down my chest. 

“Uh, yeah, I think so. Sorry. So, um. What now?” I said, unsure how to proceed. 

“Yeah, you think you’re so cocky, but you’ve never had anyone like me before. Fuck me as if I was a girl. That’d be nice. Just be careful of the tits. They’re still a little sore,” she said. 

“Oh, right. So, why haven’t you-you know-” 

“Honey, do you even realise how difficult a process this is? Baby steps, love. Baby steps. We’ll get there one day,” she said. “Now quit asking personal questions and get going.” 

I think I learnt more during that than I had in the entire time I’d been fucking choir boys. She showed me how she liked to be touched and where, and I was most surprised that I did manage to bring her pleasure. She told me off a few times for squeezing her tits too hard, though. I was just as inexperienced in sleeping with girls as I was sleeping with her. 

It was one of the more satisfying fucks I’d had in a while, actually. She was… For once I didn’t feel dirty. I even kissed her. I just lay there afterwards, staring up at the ceiling. She lay beside me. I was amazed that I could fall for someone like her. 

“Still wanna get together?” she said. 

“I don’t know. I mean, that was hot. I just don’t know if that was just something I needed right now, or if it’s something else,” I said. “Does this change things between us?” 

“I don’t know. Do you want it to? We can call it a one-off and leave it at that, if you want. No strings attached,” she said. 

“Please, I’ve had enough purely sexual relationships for the time being. I don’t think it totally satisfies me anymore,” I said. 

“So be my boyfriend instead. Maybe you need something completely different from what you’ve previously had. Clear the system, that sort of thing. Sometimes we need to see things from a different perspective to know what we really want,” she said. 

She did have a point there. She was completely different to anyone I’d ever been with. And maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. I mean, I did like her. What was there to lose? 

“Let’s give it a trial then. Nothing set in stone. We’ll just see where things go. How does that sound?” I said. 

“Sounds alright to me. But-” 

The phone rang then. It was her dad asking where she was. She cursed, but agreed to go anyway. We dressed and left. I went home. She went back to the shop. I sat on my bed and wondered what on earth I’d done. 

I did some homework, see if I could take my mind off it. I wasn’t regretting the decision, just wondering why it had happened that way. Why her? Why a girl like her? I leave Chris with a broken heart, and end up in bed with a girl. I couldn’t make sense of it, but was too curious to see where it would lead to call her up and break it off. 

She called me up that evening. We talked for a whole before she invited me over for drinks. She was having a few friends over and wanted to know if I’d like to come. I figured it wouldn’t hurt. We didn’t live that far away from her anyway. I told mum I was going out and that I’d be back later. She reluctantly let me go. 

Her place looked different at night. It was lit up with fairy lights and a disco ball and music was pumping all through the house. It was packed. I’d say there were 20 people there. I asked her where her parents were, but she said they’d gone out for the night. I got her meaning. She kissed me and pulled me off to her room. 

The girl had a sexual appetite. I couldn’t deny that. It was a quick fuck, with her pressed against the wall as I fucked her. I never saw her as a slut though. I liked that she had a sex drive similar to mine. And, call me shallow, but the more time I spent with her that night, the sexier she became. I was amazed at her figure, the way she moved, the way she was just so feminine, even though, as she would tell me later, she wasn’t that interested in being uber-feminine. She wasn’t even wearing anything super-sexy, just low-cut top, nice heels, and a skirt, her hair wasn’t even done that extravagantly, and yet, I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. The more she danced, the more I wanted her. 

We got pissed, of course. Everyone did. Cops came round and told us to shut up around 1am. Stacey relented and shoved them all out the door, well, all apart from me. I helped her tidy up before we crashed. We fucked one last time before settling down. We spent the rest of the night talking until we both fell asleep. I was really enjoying her company. 

“You can see the moon from here. Isn’t she pretty?” she said, gazing out her window at the moon shining down on us. 

“Yeah, she is. I like the way the light catches on your skin,” I said, brushing a hand across her arm. 

“Makes you look pretty hot too, you know,” she said with a grin. 

“Not as hot as you. And I can’t believe I even think that. I hardly ever looked at girls before now,” I said. 

“Now you know what you were missing out on, love,” she said. 

“You’ll have to excuse me if I fuck up. I’ve never done the proper relationship before. I’m kinda scared of it, actually,” I said. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll show you the ropes. Hey, you ever been fucked before?” she said. 

“Me? No, never. I was always the one doing the fucking. My pride wouldn’t let me bottom,” I said. 

“I think we’ll have to fix that. Can’t be gay and not have bottomed before,” she said. 

“Are we gay now?” I said. 

“Only if you wish to see us that way. I still think you need to be fucked at least once. But later. I’m too drunk to do it now,” she said. 

“Hmm, good idea. I usually don’t get this pissed, you know,” I said, trying not to seem like a drunken brat. 

“Me neither, but sometimes you just gotta let your hair down,” she said. 

“This is true. Man, I’ve never been with anyone like you before. It’s confusing, but in a good way,” I said. 

“You’ll get used to it. But don’t be afraid to talk to me if you need to. No obligations, remember? We’re just testing the waters,” she said. 

“Yeah, that’s it. A trial run, or… something. Yeah,” I said. 

“Stop worrying about it. No one knows about me. Well, no one who doesn’t need to know. Treat me like a girl and everything’ll be fine,” she said. 

“Okay. I’ll do my best then,” I said. 

I kissed her again. I loved kissing her. I held her in my arms as we fell asleep. It was lovely. That kind of intimacy I hadn’t really experienced, even with Chris. But here was this wonderful girl willing to give me a chance. Perhaps I was capable of love after all. 

To my credit, I was home before midday the next day. Technically speaking, of course. I’m not sure mum had meant turn up at 11:55am when she said be home before midday. Sorry mum. Stayed up longer than I had anticipated. May have gotten drunk. May now need a dark room and copious amounts of sleep.

I ate some breakfast, which made mum happy, before skulling a strong coffee or three and heading to bed. Fuck I was tired. Coherent thought about what had happened the night before would have to wait until my head stopped throbbing. I didn’t get drunk for a long time after that night. 

Mum knew I’d been drinking though. She told me off for it, and that the hangover was my own fault, which I’m more than prepared to accept. She lacked any sympathy for me. Thanks mum. Good to know you care. 

I slumped down onto my bed, kicked my shoes off and pulled my clothes off. My room was already darkened, which was nice. I curled up under my doona and closed my eyes, trying to stop the pain. I’d taken some Panadol beforehand. Hopefully, some sleep would fix it. 

I dreamt about her. Just being with her. She was incredible. Why I'd only noticed her now was anyone's guess. I was surprised at how besotted I had become with her. I had no idea if what I felt was actually love, or if it was just lust. I thought of Chris again. I didn't know if I still wanted him. I think I did. At least I wanted to make things right with him, clear the air, that sort of thing. Maybe I'd call him at some point and talk to him. I couldn't just turn up at the Cathedral again. I wasn't allowed back there. I was almost beginning to regret it. 

I had never meant to hurt Chris. I'm not that callous, am I? I don't think I am. Though, I can see why someone would think of me like that. I had spent three years fucking around and not caring about anyone at all but myself. Maybe I should apologise to the other boys I'd screwed over too. 

It was night time by the time I was awake. My head ached less than it had before, which was nice. I dressed and wandered out to the kitchen to find my mum washing up. 

“Oh, hey, mum. Any dinner around?” I said. 

“In the fridge. Oh, and a Stacey called for you. She sounds nice. Asked if you wanted to come over tonight, but I told her you were still sleeping. By all means call her back after you've eaten,” mum said. 

“Oh, thanks. I will call her, yeah. I won't go out though. Really not in the mood for that,” I said. 

“And it's Sunday night. You're going to stay and do some homework, that's what. Have you done any school work at all this weekend?”  mum said. 

“Well, I did a little-” 

“Go on, eat and go do some more. At least get some study done. I don't want you wasting this year, okay?” 

“Yes, mother.” 

I fished dinner out of the fridge and warmed it up. I sat at the dining table and ate quickly. I made some coffee and sauntered back to my room to do some homework. I'd call Stacey later. I sat at my desk, pondering my English essay. My concentration was fine for ten minutes or so, and I did write a few paragraphs before I just drifted and thought of her again. 

I wasn't sure what on earth would happen between us, but I was happy to find out. Maybe she'd teach me how to love. I was quite sure she was worth loving. Maybe we'd end up friends still. I didn't know, but I wanted to find out. I looked back down at my essay and continued writing, satisfied for the time being that I'd made the right decision, at least for the moment. 


	5. Chapter Five: Andrew

I had great fun with Charles. I could get used to this freedom. I liked not having anything to worry about, to spend an hour or two wandering around, with no plans at all.

In his quest to find me clothes that would fit, we ended up trying on many, many things in the process. I was basically left in the fitting rooms while he ran off to find me all manner of things to try on, beginning with the sensible and ending with the ridiculous. I hadn't realised he'd smuggled a small camera with him so when he finally got me into the dresses he'd picked, I wasn't expecting him to start taking photos of me.

Charles' ability to make me laugh seemed unending. We had awesome fun together and arrived home, tired but totally relaxed. He hadn't even let me choose which clothes he was going to buy me. He insisted on surprising me and didn't let me see what he'd bought until we got home and were locked in his room.

“Right. Shut your eyes and undress and I'll hand you what I picked, okay?” Charles said, beaming as he set the bags on the bed.

I did as he asked, wondering what dangers lay in those bags. I figured Charles had picked something utterly humiliating for me. I didn't trust him to be totally sensible, not after what had gone on while we were trying on clothes before. I gazed down at what he'd handed me. It was one of the dresses he'd had me try on before. Yep. I'd been right about his motives.

“You're not as unpredictable as you think you are, you know,” I said, holding out the dress to take a look at it.

“What? My special princess deserves a special princess dress,” Charles said with a grin.

“I'm not that girly, you know,” I said.

“You still look hot in a dress though. Go on, put it on for me again,” Charles said.

I rolled my eyes but did so anyway. After all, it was a nice princess dress. I stepped into it and Charles helped me do up the zip. I turned around to face him.

“There, you happy now?” I said, twirling the skirt a little.

“Of course I am. Wanna lie on the bed while I take smutty pictures of you?” Charles said, and that mischievous glint was back in his eye again.

“Maybe,” I said coyly, averting my gaze as I strutted over to the bed, sliding backwards onto it. “What did you have in mind?”

“Just,” Charles inhaled as he looked at me, and I could tell he was enjoying the view, “I dunno, pretend you're stripping, but, you know, don't go all the way. I like the teasing.”

I smiled and began. I did my best. I wasn't overly confident in my capabilities, but Charles didn't seem to be complaining. In spite of Charles' best intentions though, it did get smutty, and I practically got naked, caught up in the fun of posing for him.

It wasn't til afterwards that I realised what I'd done and pulled the dress back over me out of embarrassment.

“Um, sorry about that. I hadn't expected it'd get that far. You can dress now if you want,” Charles said, quickly putting his camera away.

“I'm more surprised I even got that far. Um, what else did you buy me anyway?” I said.

“Oh, just this. Here, I hope you like them,” Charles said, handing me another bag.

I found a lovely pair of pants, a shirt and a jacket inside. They looked expensive. I pulled them out and marvelled at them. They were beautiful clothes. Why on earth he'd spend that sort of money on me was anyone's guess.

“They're lovely, Charles. You didn't have to buy me anything, you know,” I said.

“Princess deserves special things. Princess deserves special treatment,” Charles said, sitting down beside me, giving me a look I didn't immediately recognise as one that meant he wanted to get into my pants.

“Um, thanks, Charles. I really mean it,” I said.

“When was the last time you were with someone and enjoyed it?” Charles said.

“Um… I can't remember,” I said.

“Would you like to be?” Charles said.

I looked at him. He had lost the predatory look from before. Now he was looking like he was begging almost. But he didn't look like he would hurt me. And maybe it couldn't be that bad. I'd been with far worse partners than him. Hell, I'd nearly been raped once. I'd never admit that to anyone, but it's true. Maybe Charles was right. Maybe I was a girl. Maybe I needed someone like him to protect me.

“You know what's different with you than with the others? I know you won't hurt me. I don't know why I trust you as much as I do, but consider yourself special, because I never trust anyone this quickly,” I said.

I watched Charles' hand slide under the dress. I knew where he was going. It still felt strange though. I didn't fight him. I wanted it, as much as I was a little anxious about it. He brought me into a soft kiss as he gently stroked me. I soon got into his pants though. He squirmed. He was doing a better job of hiding his nerves than I was.

Soon, we were both naked and lying in each other's arms, kissing as our hands explored. It was... nice. Really nice. He was so attentive to my desires. I'd never been with anyone like him before. No one showed me the respect he showed me, even though all we were doing was kissing while giving each other hand jobs.

Thankfully, his mum called us for dinner just after we’d finished, causing Charles to yell that we’d be out in a minute before we dashed around getting cleaned up and dressed. I had my new clothes on – the suit, not the dress, and Charles took my hand as he led me out to dinner.

“I should call mum at some point,” I said, knowing she might want to know that I was staying another night.

“After dinner. C’mon, you look like you need to eat, mate,” he said.

I smiled. He had a point, even if I did eat like a horse in spite of my tiny frame. Dinner was lovely though. I surreptitiously picked out all the sultanas though, which was not an indication of Charles’ mother’s cooking. I just don’t like them.

After dinner, I called mum, though not before asking Charles what excuse I’d give her this time. Charles, however, had an answer. He seemed to have answers for a lot of things. Devious boy, that one.

“You’re staying another night because I want to take you to church tomorrow. We’ll take you home after that. How does that sound?” Charles said.

“Are you really going to take me to church?” I said.

“Well, if you want to. Craig never turns up on Sundays anyway. If you wanted to have another look at the Cathedral, you could come with us,” Charles said.

“Yeah, that might be nice,” I said.

“I’ll introduce you to a couple of my mates as well. I think you’ll like them. Remember Chas, the guy I showed you photos of before? Yeah, him and his mate Julian. Kinda inseparable, those two,” Charles said.

“Inseparable in the way I think you mean that?” I said.

“Don’t ask, don’t tell. You’ll work it out. It’s not wise to be openly gay there. The old ladies give you disapproving looks,” Charles said.

“Speaking from experience, hey?” I said.

“Something like that,” Charles said. “Now call your mum and let’s get back to what we were doing before.”

“Oh, I thought I might shower, actually. I hope that’s alright,” I said.

“Put that on hold. Wait til everyone’s asleep then I can come with you,” Charles murmured to me so no one heard him.

“Oh, right. Sure. It can wait,” I said.

“Good boy,” Charles said, patting me gently on the shoulder.

Mum took some convincing, but since she had no desire to come out and get me that late at night, she gave in. Charles led me back to his room and shut the door.

“So, what are we doing now?” I said.

“Whatever you want. Mind if I put some music on?” Charles said.

“Sure. Sounds good,” I said, slumping onto his bed.

Charles smiled at me and put some music on, just quietly. He proceeded to lounge on his bed as he gazed at me. “Come here.”

I moved down the bed and settled into his arms. I liked the way he held me. It was calming. We talked quietly about all manner of things. He stroked my hair gently. At some point, I fell asleep. I was very tired.

I was asleep enough to dream, and I dreamt of Charles. There I was in the change rooms after sport; some of the bigger boys were hassling me as we showered. I recognised the situation immediately and wished I was dreaming of something else. One guy took a particular dislike to me and shoved me up against the wall face first, twisting my arm behind my back. He was whispering all sorts of insults to me while his friends tried to get him to leave me alone. I thought he was going to rape me. He was pressing that close to me.

And then he was gone. Someone punched him and he fell to the floor, out cold. I stayed where I was, afraid someone else wanted their turn with me. As a hand lay on my shoulder, I shied away in fright.

“Hey, don’t be scared. It’ll be alright. I’ll protect you,” came Charles’ voice.

I froze. What was he doing here? This wasn’t how it happened. I turned around, just to be sure. There he was, smiling at me. He brought me into his arms and held me tight.

“Why aren’t you here with me, Charles? I need you,” I whispered softly.

“I am here. I’m always here,” he replied. “You alright, Andrew?”

“I’ll be fine. I think. Feel free to punch him out again for me,” I said, unaware I was less asleep than I had been.

“Punch who out? Been dreaming again, have we?” Charles said.

“Hmm? What are you talking about?” I half opened my eyes, struggling to wake again. I had fleeting images of my dream left in my head.

“You were talking in your sleep. Something about needing me? You okay?” Charles said.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, yeah I’m fine. Just – bad dream, that’s all,” I said.

“Wanna talk about it?” Charles said.

“Not really. Wait, what time is it anyway?” I said.

“After 11pm. Want that shower now?” Charles said.

“Yeah, but only if you come with me. Need to get that dream out of my head,” I said.

“Always happy to oblige,” Charles said.

He pulled me up and we headed for the bathroom. Everyone was indeed already asleep. Charles locked us in and we undressed. It was quite a big shower. Plenty of room for two, I thought.

Charles held me under the hot water, replacing the dream with his own actions. That boy was incredibly gentle. I soon forgot about it, and was content to stay there with him, pressed against him.

“I dreamt you were at school, protecting me. I wish it were real. I don’t want to go back, but I don’t have any choice in the matter. I’ve tried convincing my parents to let me leave, but they won’t. They like it there and can’t understand why I don’t,” I murmured.

“Come on, only a few months more. Then you can leave it for good,” Charles said. “I’d protect you in a heartbeat. If someone was going to hurt you, I’d be there to stop them if I could. You don’t deserve to be hurt.”

“Thanks. That means a lot to me. Maybe things will be better now that I’ve got you,” I said.

“I hope it will be. I’d hate to make your life worse,” Charles said.

“You couldn’t possibly manage that, I’m quite sure of that,” I said.

“Come on. Meet me after school on Monday. You can bitch about your day before you go home,” Charles said.

“Okay. That’ll be nice,” I said.

“Hey, you haven’t mentioned your dad much,” Charles said.

“Oh, haven’t I? Oh, well, I don’t see him much. My parents are divorced. I live with my mum most of the time,” I said.

“Oh right. Sorry about that. You still live with your dad though, right?” Charles said.

“Every second weekend. Fuck. This weekend. Damn. He’ll be pissed. I forgot. I was supposed to go to his place after school. You’re a bad influence on me. I hope mum didn’t tell him where I am, cos he will ring to find out why I didn’t come over. They might argue again,” I said, cursing my good luck in forgetting. If I was being honest, I hadn’t wanted to go anyway. I didn’t usually mind seeing him, but I dunno. I think I was just desperate for some time away from them both.

“Sorry, man. I hope you won’t get into too much trouble,” Charles said.

“Yeah, I hope not. I don’t like them fighting,” I said.

“Yeah, I can understand that. Sorry,” Charles said.

“Quit apologising. It isn’t your fault. I’ll cop whatever mum wishes to dish out to me. I’m just glad for the break,” I said.

“Well, if you’re sure. Come on, let’s head to bed. We’ll have to be up early tomorrow,” Charles said.

“Okay. Sounds good. We were up very late last night,” I said.

“Want the spare bed set up or not?” Charles said.

“Nah, then I can’t sleep next to you,” I said.

Charles grinned and kissed me, reaching behind to turn off the water. “Alright then. Go on, get all dried off then.”

I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around me. I was rather cold, but I soon warmed up. Charles hugged me from behind, kissing the back of my neck softly. I leaned back into his embrace, glad I’d bunked off going to dad’s to stay with him instead.

“Come on. Let’s run back to my room and get changed there,” Charles said.

I was so caught up in the moment of it that I hardly cared I was quietly rushing back to Charles’ room in a strange house with nothing but a towel around my waist. I managed to beat Charles, but that was probably because I left first and he never bothered to overtake me. But I soon found myself tackled to the bed, with Charles lying on top of me as he kissed me.

“You just can’t keep your hands off me, can you?” I said.

“Do tell me if you want me to back off or anything. I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable or do something you don’t want to do,” Charles said.

“Nah, you’re alright. I’m surprised by what I’ve done, actually. I’ve really enjoyed this weekend, you know,” I said.

“I know you have. So glad I met you.” Charles kissed me again, just once, before getting off me. “Come on, it’s late. Let’s go to bed.”

So we got into our pyjamas and crawled into bed together. I was cradled in his arms, nice and warm, as he switched off the lamp and we both settled down to sleep.

Charles was right. We did have to be up early. But it wasn’t that bad. There was time for a decent breakfast and a bit of TV before we had to go. Though I didn’t watch much TV. I packed my things up instead so Charles could put them in the boot for when I would be taken home again after church.

It was strange, arriving back at that Cathedral after what seemed like a long time away from it. I’d worn the new clothes Charles had bought for me. He’d insisted I wear my best to church. His mother was nothing if not a traditionalist. Charles and I hung around outside while the rest of his family went inside.

“Who are we waiting for?” I asked.

“Chassy and Jules. And maybe Dommy, if he decides to grace us with his presence. I go to school with Chas and Dom. Or at least the same school as them. They’re a couple of years below me,” Charles said.

“Oh, right. Good friends, are you?” I said.

“Yeah. They’re good kids, even if Chassy’s a bit mental. He might take a bit of getting used to. He has some strange ideas. And don’t start him talking about AFL. He won’t let you go until he’s talked your ear off,” Charles said.

“Maybe it’s a good thing I have no interest in sport then,” I said.

“No interest in sport? Blasphemy! Who might you be anyway, who doth stand beside my lovely Charles?” Chas said, coming up to greet them, Julian trailing behind them.

“Chassy, this is Andrew. He used to come here a while back,” Charles said.

“Oh, wait, are you that poor kid Craig yelled at on Friday? Dude, don’t worry about him. Craig’s an arsehole, okay? But he’s been kicked out now, or so Dommy says, so he won’t be back to bother you,” Chas said. “And this is my bitch Julian. Say hello, Julie boy.” Chas gestured to Julian behind him.

“Hi Andrew. Nice to meet you,” Julian said.

“Wait, you said Craig got kicked out? Whatever for?” Charles said.

“Dommy came in crowing this morning, cos we were here early for God only knows what reason, claiming he’d finally gotten Craig kicked out of the church and that his dad was going to excommunicate him. I barely had time to ask him for details before mum handed me some bottles of orange juice and told me to haul them somewhere. You’d have to ask him what happened,” Chas said.

“Shit. That’s… kinda harsh, even for Craig. We should go talk to him,” Charles said.

“But not before church,” Chas said as the bells began ringing.

“Yeah, we’d better get inside. Come on, Andrew, you can sit with us,” Charles said.

“Okay, thanks,” I said.

We hurried inside then and found a pew a few rows towards the back. The place was rather fuller than I had ever remembered it being.

“Since when did the parish become so large?” I whispered.

“Dunno. Few years ago, more people started coming for whatever reason. No one thought this was a bad thing. But we got a new priest then too. Dommy’s father took over the parish when the previous one died or something,” Charles whispered back.

“Oh, right. Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me. Not many liked that old priest,” I whispered.

And then the service began. I was surprised at how much I remembered. It was more beautiful than I had remembered it being, though I wasn’t sure if that same feeling would last or not. It was surprisingly peaceful, and the priest did a better job than I might’ve given him credit for. At least he didn’t say anything that made me want to rip his eyeballs out.

Dom found us after church as we were hanging out under one of the large trees. Chas was lying down with his head resting in Julian’s lap. Anyone with even one brain cell could tell their relationship from that alone. It was the way they smiled at each other and how Julian kept running his fingers through his hair. It was adorable. I sat beside Charles, enjoying the novelty of being with people who clearly had no intention of smashing my face in or insulting me.

“So, you wanted to hear about Craig?” Dom said, sitting down beside me.

“Yeah, what gives? What happened anyway?” Charles said.

“I’m not even sure why it happened, but it was long overdue. Dad caught him fucking me in Mary’s garden. He went apeshit and kicked him out. If dad wasn’t a pacifist, I’m sure he’d have belted the living daylights out of me. He wasn’t happy that he’d caught me doing that. It wasn’t even something I intended to happen. I got lost in the moment, and didn’t hear dad there until it was too late. I had hoped to get away with it,” Dom said.

“You really have a death wish, Dommy. It’ll be weird without Craig around though. Who’ll antagonise all the choir boys now?” Charles said.

“Hey, don’t look at me. I’m staying right away from them, horny bastards,” Julian said, catching Charles’ glance.

“So, Andrew, think you might come back again?” Chas said, changing the subject.

“Uh, maybe. It was nice today,” I said.

“By all means come for the company, if nothing else. I do,” Chas said.

“That’s because you never get to see Julian otherwise,” Charles countered.

“Not my fault we go to different schools. Hey, Andrew, you still in school? Where do you go?” Chas said.

“I’m doing year 12. I’m at Hills Grammar. I rather wish I wasn’t,” I said.

“That bad, huh?” Chas said.

“Something like that. For me anyway,” I said.

“Got any plans for after school then?” Julian said.

“Um, not really. I haven’t really thought about it. I’ll have to go to uni. Both mum and dad would be utterly disappointed if I didn’t go,” I said.

“Then pick something easy, like Arts, and wank through it so you’ve got a degree. Then worry about what else to do with your life,” Chas helpfully suggested.

“Maybe,” I said.

“He’s a musician. He hadn’t even heard rock music til Friday. Poor sheltered little thing,” Charles said, giving me a mock patronising look.

“Really? You serious? Man, your parents are nuts. Why weren’t you allowed to listen to it?” Chas said, sitting up, all of a sudden interested in me.

“Um, I’m not sure. I don’t remember hearing anything other than classical music and jazz at home,” I said.

“I hope Charles has corrupted you enough then. Can’t be, what, 17, and not heard any rock music,” Chas said.

“Yeah, he corrupted me alright. I even had a weekend in which I did absolutely nothing at all. Though now I can see just how much work I have to catch up with. I’ve missed a day of practice, and I was supposed to be at my dad’s this weekend as well. I think I’ll be practicing from the time I get home until midnight, just to catch up, and that’s not including the homework I have to do,” I said.

“See why I needed to corrupt him? He works too hard. He’ll burn out if he keeps this up,” Charles said.

“And then some. Andrew, man, slow down. Nothing’s that important,” Chas said.

“Hey, I wonder what Chris wants this time,” Julian said.

We all turned to see one of the choir boys approaching us. It was the one I saw with Craig on Friday. I suddenly became nervous. What if he was just going to insult me again? He was even prettier up close now. He had this angelic look on his face and a lovely smile. He was still in his choir robes, but he looked beautiful, and that smile seemed to be just for me.

“Hey, you’re the boy who was here on Friday, aren’t you? The name’s Chris,” the boy said, offering his hand.

“Yeah, that was me. I’m Andrew,” I said, getting up to shake his hand.

“Look, I wanted to apologise for what I said. Craig always makes me act like a jerk, and I’m sorry if I offended you. I broke up with him soon after you left, as it happened. He was laughing at you. He couldn’t see how cruel he was being and I didn’t want to be with someone who lacked a heart. But I hear he’s been kicked out. I hope he’s happier now,” Chris said.

“Um, thanks,” I said, still cautious.

“Look, we got off on the wrong footing. I’m not usually like that. He was hurting my faith. I couldn’t let him do that anymore, so I let him go. Told him to fuck off and not come back until he’d learnt to love. But enough talk of him. We should start again. I’m very sorry if I hurt you before. I hope you’ll forgive me,” Chris said.

“It was a bit of a shock, really. I return to the Cathedral for the first time in seven years, and that’s the first response I get. If Charles hadn’t have run after me, I doubt I’d have ever thought about coming back again,” I said.

“Again, I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean any of it,” Chris said.

“Thanks. I appreciate it. I heard you singing, you see. So I hung around to listen. You’ve got a very beautiful voice,” I said. Maybe I’d been too hard on him, and if he broke up with Craig because he was being a prick, he can’t be too bad.

“Thanks. I’m glad you think so. Can you sing? You should join the choir. We’re always looking for new voices,” Chris said.

“Oh, no, I’m not at the point where I’d be willing to commit to that yet,” I said.

“Oh, right. Well, that’s okay then. Maybe I’ll see you next week,” Chris said.

“Yeah, maybe you will,” I said.

Chris smiled and left. Everyone was looking at me.

“What? Did I do something wrong?” I said.

“He was so hitting on you,” Charles said.

“He was?” I said.

“He was, Andrew. He was so checking you out. Go after him and ask him for coffee one afternoon or something,” Charles said.

“What, now? No way. I barely know the guy,” I said.

“You barely know me, remember? Go on. I’m sure he’s waiting for you around somewhere. Try the vestry. He’ll have to put his choir robes away,” Charles said.

“But I don’t even know if I like him that way,” I protested.

“Your flirting wasn’t at all subtle either, Andrew. I can smell lust from 5 kilometres away. Now, get going before he goes home,” Chas said.

I hesitated a moment longer before Charles and Chas got to their feet and shoved me forward, shooing me off to find him. I figured I’d go, just to humour them, and indeed I was curious, though I’d never admit it.

I went round to the vestry and indeed Chris was waiting for me. He was out of his robes now and he sat, perched on a table.

“Um, hey,” I said.

“You came. I’m kinda glad of that. I wasn’t sure I was getting through to you,” he said, sliding off the table.

“You weren’t, until the others pointed it out,” I said.

“Still, they convinced you to come,” Chris said, approaching me.

“Why’d you want to meet me anyway?” I said.

“Just – this.” He gave me a soft kiss. He held me gently, and my body thrilled at his touch. Maybe I was just excited to be paid such attention. He pulled away and looked at me. “I’m sorry, I haven’t crossed any boundaries, have I?”

“Um…” I was lost for any coherent thought.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t presume you’re interested in me,” Chris said.

“I, well, I do like you, I just… Why on earth are you interested in me?” I said.

“You seem like a sweet kid. If you want me to back off, just say so. You’re not taken, are you?” Chris said.

“Yes, well, no, well, it’s complicated. Kiss me again?” I said.

And he did. He wasn’t as sweet as Charles, but he was nice. I wondered distantly what my mum would think of me making out with two strangers in one weekend.

“Just wanna get rid of the lust? Or are you interested in something more?” Chris said.

“Can we just get rid of the lust for the moment? I’m not going home like this,” I said.

“Are you up for sex or not? Thought I’d ask first before anything more happens,” Chris said.

“I, uh, I’ve never been fucked before. But, I don’t know. Just so long as I get off,” I said, his grinding really beginning to get to me.

“How bout you fuck me then? I quite enjoy it,” Chris said, pressing a couple of familiar things into my hand.

“What, here? Or somewhere else?” I said.

“I like it here. Just – don’t strip totally. Just enough to get it done. It’ll be faster to get out of here,” Chris said, unbuckling his pants.

“Okay then.”

We kissed a few more times as he backed towards the table again. The sex was fast and satisfying. It didn’t need to be anything else. But he wasn’t Charles, and I found myself missing his smile and his mischief.

I left him with a promise to come next week and we’d get to know each other better. I headed back to find Charles. He was still under the tree. Julian, Dom and Chas had obviously gone home already. Charles got to his feet as I approached.

“There you are. Time to go. Had fun, did we?” Charles said.

“We had a talk, yeah,” I said. “I still want you more though.”

“I’ll consider myself flattered then,” Charles said.

“Oh, you should. You know why,” I said. Sure, I'd been with others before, but none of them were like Charles. He was incredible. I never wanted to let him go. My battered heart was cautious, not wanting to get hurt again.

Charles held me in his arms then. I clutched onto him. I wished so very much that we went to the same school. I wasn’t sure how I’d cope without seeing him again.

“Here. Take this. Listen to it when you can. I’ll see you at the café yeah? Monday arvo. I’ll buy you coffee again,” He grinned and handed me his walkman.

“Thanks. Yeah. I’ll seeya then.”

He kissed me. I was his.

“Come on, let’s get you home then,” he said.

He took my hand and we went to find his parents. I smiled, vowing to come back again.


	6. Chapter Six: Craig

No one was home when I got up on Monday. Well, no, that's not true. I got up in time to see my dad leave and my brother running off to catch the bus to school. I figured mum was out again, as usual. I suppose they'd tried to wake me, but clearly, I'd been too sleepy to wake. It didn't matter. I'd get to school on my own. 

Which I did. Eventually. I missed half my first class. My teacher wasn't happy about it though. She gave me extra homework. Bitch. Ah well. 

School was alright after that, I suppose. Spent lunch time with my mates. We sat around under our favourite tree. It was near the oval and looked out over the grass. It was almost out of sight from the teachers, but still in view for us to not get in trouble for sitting there. I leant up against the tree trunk, Daniel beside me. Keisha and Mark sat together on Mark's blazer. They'd been together a few months now. It was kinda sweet, though Mark didn’t always fit in with us. He hadn’t been our friend before he got together with Keisha, and I think the culture shock was still settling down. 

“So, still with Chris, are we? You've been a bit quiet about him,” Daniel said. 

“No, not with Chris anymore. I managed to get kicked out of the Cathedral. Don't pretend like I'm cut up about it though. It was bound to happen sooner or later. At least I've got no excuse to go back now,” I said. 

“Okay, you got kicked out for breaking up with Chris? That's harsh, even by Catholic standards,” Daniel said. 

“Oh, no, I got kicked out for fucking the priest's precious little son. Bastard goaded me into it. Surprise, surprise, we got caught, and now I am excommunicated. Er, don't spread that around here. I'm not sure that'll do me any good at all,” I said. 

“Well, if you will fuck choir boys, Craig,” Keisha said. She gave me that look she'd been giving me for years since we'd known each other and knew she was quite enjoying this moment of moral superiority. 

“It was all fine until that little shit came and ruined it. But it was probably overdue. Truth be told I was waiting for an excuse to leave. Though I'd have liked to have done that without having to lose Chris. I'll live, I suppose. Got together with Stacey over the weekend. Got blind drunk and fucked her stupid more times than I had anticipated. Girl's got a high sex drive. Mum was disappointed I didn't get any homework done. And then I slept in this morning. It's been one of those weekends,” I said, running a hand through my hair. 

“I still don't know why you haven't been kicked out of school, the way you behave. Getting drunk and fucking trannies? Could you stoop any lower?” Mark said. 

Mark was always the most devout of the lot of us, while I was the most atheistic. I'd left faith behind when I was 10. I didn't care. My parents didn't seem to care. But then mum's hardly ever around and dad's left with two boys and most of the time, we're left to our own devices. Or at least I am, since I'm 16 now. Sucks to be my little brother. Dad keeps more of a leash on him than on me. He is, after all, only 13. 

“Well, we could always have a party next weekend and find out, Marky,” I said. 

“I won't even try and stop you. You've stopped listening to God. What chance do I have?” Mark said. 

“You know, I still wonder why you're still friends with us, since we seem to be intolerable heathens to you,” I said. 

“He stays because of Keish, don't you, Mark?” Daniel said. 

“Leave him alone, guys. He's not that bad,” Keisha said. 

“We're just teasing him. He knows we're just joking, don't you?” I said.

"At least I know my soul's going to Heaven. I hate to think what yours looks like,” Mark said. He had this smug grin on his face and I just wanted to smack him. 

“Save the preaching. I heard it all before. I don't care, alright?” I said. 

“Mortal sins will be the death of you. You deserve everything you get,” Mark said. 

“Hey, calm down, mate. No need to get agro. Look, you got your life, right? And Craig's got his. So you live them differently. As long as he's not hurting anyone, I can't see what's wrong with it,” Daniel said, butting in between us to stop us breaking out into a brawl again. 

“Mark, what have I told you about being narrow-minded? Craig's a decent kid. Leave him alone. I know some of the things you've done as well and some of them aren't pretty either,” Keisha said, brushing a finger down his cheek. 

“I think she's got you by the balls there, Mark. Might want to listen to her,” I said with a grin. 

“You stay out of this, Craig. I’d be more than happy to tell on you. Can’t have a little excommunicated whore like you running around here corrupting everyone,” Mark said. 

“Oh, I don’t think you’ll do anything of the sort,” Keisha said. 

“And what makes you think that?” Mark said. 

“Because if you get him in trouble, I’ll break your balls,” Keisha said, squeezing his thigh gently. 

“You protect him. Why?” Mark demanded. 

“I’ve known him for years. We’re good mates. Why don’t you like him anyway?” Keisha said. 

“Well, he, you know, he’s one of them and we’re taught they’re-” 

“I didn’t ask why the Church doesn’t like him. I asked why _you_ don’t like him. Mark, you are a great guy, but if you’re not going to get along with my mates, we might need to call it a day,” Keisha said. 

Mark glared at me, as if somehow this was all my fault. “What did I do?” I said. 

“You exist. That’s bad enough for me. Fine, you can stay here with your heathen friends. I don’t care to dirty my soul with them any longer,” Mark said, standing up. 

Keisha rolled her eyes as Mark left. He gave me a contemptuous glare as he went. Bastard. “He's just jealous cos he thought you were in love with me. He'll get over it, and if he doesn't, well, we're probably better off without him.” 

“His loss then. You deserve someone better anyway,” I said. 

“Someone like you, hey?” Keisha said. 

“Only if you've been hiding a penis under that dress,” I said. 

“What would you say if I was? Or does that only count for Stacey?” Keisha said. 

“Stacey's… well, she's Stacey. She's the exception to my 'do not sleep with women' rule,” I said. 

“Cos she's got a dick. Right,” Keisha said. “Oh, stop looking so petulant. I'm just joking.” 

“Hey, I wasn't looking petulant!” I protested. 

“You were. Totally. Now are you going to give me a go, or am I gonna have to make you?” Keisha said, leaning towards me. 

I laughed as she crawled towards me and kissed me. It wasn't as bad as I'd thought it might be. Sure, I'd known she was interested in me, but I'd always been too distracted for her, and far too gay to be interested. But not anymore. I was free, and clearly she thought she'd move in. She pulled away quickly, still not willing to be caught while at school. 

“Come back to mine after school. You'll get more then,” she promised. 

“Yes, because clearly I have slut tattooed all over me. C'mon, Keish, give a guy a break. Though it's not that I don't appreciate the attention,” I said. 

“You turning me down, are you? Aww, I’m so sad. Big bad Craigy doesn’t want lil ol’ me. I’m crushed. I’ll never love again,” Keisha said. 

“Oh, stop it. Look, can you give me a bit of breathing space? I’ve got a lot of shit to sort out. I don’t know what I want right now and I don’t want to drag you down with me. I like you too much for that,” I said.

“Well then. I’ll consider myself special,” Keisha said, sitting back in the sunlight. 

I smiled at her. I did like her. I was glad she had taken the hint and backed off. The bell rang then and we made our way to our lockers again as slowly as we dared. 

We had chapel after lunch. I had to admit that I was a bit nervous. I mean, was I still allowed to go in other Catholic churches? I figured I’d wing it and see what happened. I had been going to mass in the Cathedral for years without carrying the faith at all, so I figured now wouldn’t be any different. Or at least I hoped it wouldn’t be. 

It was surprisingly bright inside the chapel that afternoon. Thankfully, my hesitation wasn’t noticed and I felt relieved as I followed Daniel inside. 

“Well, I haven’t been struck down yet, so maybe I’m safe,” I whispered to Daniel. 

“Don’t count your blessings. The service hasn’t started yet,” Daniel whispered back. 

“If I get out of this alive, I’ll shout drinks this afternoon.” 

“I’ll hold you to that anyway. It’s your turn.” 

I cursed silently as I remembered that indeed it was my turn that day. I sighed and tried not to look too distracted as the service began. 

We hung around after school in the city. I indeed shouted them all drinks, and we sat in some park downtown, watching the sun set and darken the city in shade. 

It was nice. We sat around talking and chatting. Keisha even kissed me a few more times as she curled into my arms. I brushed her off though when I went to go home. I wasn’t ready and I still had Stacey to deal with. And Chris. It was too much, too soon. Thankfully, she understood and apologised for pushing me. We were still best friends first above everything else. 

I found myself walking past the Cathedral on the way to the bus station. I paused and looked at the building. There was music. Choir practice. I went as close as I dared as I tried to stay off Church property. I eventually heard who was singing. It was Chris. He was doing his solos and his voice was magical. 

Just hearing that voice… Man, I wanted to cry. I did cry. I sat across the footpath and under a tree, listening to the music and I was fucking bawling my eyes out. It wasn’t fair. I missed him terribly then. I was glad I was partially hidden by the tree. I didn’t want to be seen there. 

I just stayed there, listening to him. I’d fucked him over. I wondered if anything I could ever do would make him forgive me. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life without that. Even if we didn’t get back together, I wanted his forgiveness for being such a prick. 

I hardly heard him approach afterwards. He stopped behind me and it wasn’t til he spoke that I knew he was there. I was crying still.  

“Hey, you alright?” Chris said. 

“I’d forgotten how beautiful your voice is,” I said. I didn’t bother turning to look at him. It wasn’t worth the pain. 

“Come on, I think we need to talk. Let’s go for dinner,” Chris said, yanking me to my feet. 

“Okay. Sounds good,” I said. I dried my eyes on the back of my sleeve, too upset and confused to protest. And I did want to talk to him. 

We found our way to Maccas. It seemed appropriate for a discussion about our situation. We got our meals and found a small nook upstairs to eat in that was mostly empty, even for the time of night. We saved discussion for after we’d eaten our burgers. It seemed natural to do so. 

It was weird being with him again. Part of me was overjoyed, and the rest of me wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Because I’m pathetic like that. I’m not sure what he was thinking. I couldn’t read him at all. 

“I didn’t realise how much I missed you until this afternoon. I thought I could forget you, but that wasn’t the case. I still love you. I think that’s what it is I’m feeling. I mean, Stacey’s nice, but I miss you. I know I fucked up, but give me a chance to prove myself,” I said, picking at my chips. 

“I don’t know, Craig. I’m not sure you are ready yet. If we get back together, I want to know you’re committed to it and won’t just leave me when you’re tired of me. If you can’t give me that, then we have no future together,” Chris said. “Who’s Stacey anyway?” 

“Oh, she’s, well, she’s a friend of mine. I was feeling kinda lonely and she cheered me up,” I said. 

“So you leave the church and go straight. How charming of you. Not the usual route people take. I take it you slept together,” Chris said. 

“We did, yes. More than once. She had this party over the weekend, and yeah. I don’t know if we’re anything serious though. I think I’d prefer it if we stayed friends and I think she does too. Keisha’s keen on me though. She was making passes at me all day. Not sure I’m ready for anything yet. But I didn’t want to see you to talk about us getting back together. I was more interested in us clearing the air. I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did. And you know when you left me on Friday? Yeah, that fucking hurt. That’s when I realised I loved you more than I’d realised and that wasn’t easy to accept at all. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you. You didn’t deserve it,” I said. 

“Well, nice to see you’ve got emotions after all. I heard you’re getting excommunicated. Do you even care about that?” Chris said. 

“It hasn’t sunk in yet, and I’m not sure I care. Look, I haven’t had faith since I was 10. To me, being kicked out of church was a blessing as it helped me begin to work out what I want in life. I’m gay. I love sex. There’s no way I’m willing to be celibate, just for some stinking religion that oppresses me. I’m sorry if it means something to you, but it doesn’t to me. I’m ready to move on,” I said. 

“Did you ever feel sorry for that kid we teased on Friday? Or did you only think about me?” Chris said. 

I paused. It took a moment to work out that I hadn’t even given him a moment’s thought. I’d been too preoccupied with Chris and Stacey to even consider that kid. “Uh, I may have forgotten about him,” I said. 

“Yeah, I thought you might’ve. I met him on Sunday. Nice kid. His name’s Andrew, by the way,” Chris said. 

“Oh, right. Why does this matter?” I said, wondering why we were talking about him. 

“Well, it wouldn’t kill you to apologise to him too, you know. You really hurt him, and I doubt he’d have come back if Charles hadn’t found him. If you want me back, you’re going to have to straighten things out with him too. It’s not fair that you should get away with that,” Chris said. 

“Uh huh, and how am I going to manage that since I’m not allowed on church grounds anymore?” I said. 

“Come next Sunday. We’ll go for coffee after mass. You can apologise then,” Chris said. 

I sighed. I suppose I did owe him that much. “Alright. Next Sunday it is.” 

“Good boy. See, that wasn’t so hard,” Chris said. 

I scowled at his patronising voice. I didn’t need his attitude. I sat back and stared across the table at him, shoving the last of my chips in my mouth. 

“Are you even taking this seriously or not? Because I can always walk out that door and never come back again,” Chris said. 

“I am taking this seriously. I miss you. I want you back again. I just don’t know how to make things better between us again. You probably deserve someone better anyway. I’ll just hang with Stacey,” I said. 

“Why do you think you’re not good enough for me?” Chris said. 

“Cos I’m a snotty little shit and all I do is fuck around and I’m not even religious and now I’m excommunicated and fuck it, you deserve someone better,” I said. 

“Remember that first afternoon we spent together? We sat on the grass outside church and talked. Why did you stay? You never did that with anyone else,” Chris said. 

“I dunno, I suppose it kinda took me by surprise and so I went along with it. I’d never had anyone want to, you know, just talk to me before. Someone older than me, I mean. Why’d you do it?” I said. 

“That day, there was something yearning in your eyes that wanted to come out. I’m not sure what it was. Maybe it was attention, knowledge, an ear to listen to you. Whatever it was, it made you stay and you did talk to me,” Chris said. 

“At first I thought I was humouring you, but eventually, I looked forward to it. You challenged me in a way no one else had bothered to do. They’d all given me up as a lost cause and just let me be. But not you. You kept bugging me until I fell in love with you without even realising it,” I said. 

“Well, then I achieved something. I made the statue love. I should get a trophy or something,” Chris said, teasing grin on his face. 

I cringed at the nickname, but said nothing. My razor sharp wit had suddenly failed me. I sulked and grabbed my drink instead. 

“You don’t like it when someone else beats you, do you?” Chris said. 

“And what makes you say that, Chris?” I said, looking up at him. 

“The way you’re sulking right now. Answer me something. Because I’m curious. What are you going to do now?” Chris said. 

“I wish I fucking knew. Apart from school and bitching to Stacey. More time for homework, though, since I won’t be spending all my spare time around the Cathedral. Mum’ll be pleased, if she’s home to find out,” I said. 

“You should think about it some more. Come back and see me when you have a better idea. I just don’t want you drifting because you’re suddenly lost and starved of attention. There’s more to life than sex and study and I just don’t want you ruining your life, that’s all. You’re a bright kid. Don’t waste it, okay?” Chris said. 

“Yeah, sure. I’ll try not to. Not that I have any ideas of what to do,” I said. 

“What, no plans for uni or anything?” Chris said. 

“Well, no, apart from a lawyer, I got nothing. If I fuck up year 12 enough, then, I dunno. I figure I’ll think of something,” I said. 

“I can see you’ve really given this some thought, Craig,” Chris said. 

“Oh, shut up. I’ve got enough to worry about without adding that to the mix. And hey, it’s a career and a well-paying one at that. What more could you want?” I said.

Chris eyed me again. I couldn’t work out what was going on in his head. He drank the rest of his Coke and sat back, looking pleased with himself. 

“You’re going to get yourself in trouble one day with that smart mouth of yours,” Chris said. 

“It’s one of my natural talents,” I said and smirked at him. 

“Along with sucking cock and being a general cunt to everyone,” Chris said. 

He was challenging me now. I could see it in his eyes. We stood at the same time and left our rubbish behind. He grabbed my hand and dragged me into the toilets. Before I could protest, we were inside a smelly cubicle and I was being pressed against the wall as he kissed me. 

I was surprised. I hadn’t expected that, not when he’d been so aloof before. He was accusing me of being the slut, and here he was kissing me. 

We broke apart and I just stared at him, confused. “Wait, why are we doing this?” 

“What, you don’t want it anymore? Gee, you change your mind quickly. Sure you’re not a woman?” Chris said. 

“What do you want from me?” I said. “First you don’t want me, now you’re coming onto me again. What am I supposed to think? When did you become the slut, hey?” 

Chris stepped back and looked at me. I raised an eyebrow at him. So now our discussion was continuing in the mens’ bathroom. Fantastic. 

“What? What the fuck do you want from me? All you need to know is that I fucking love you, Chris, and if you want to play with me, fine. But I’m not going to put up with it. Keep your mind games to yourself,” I said. I picked up my bag, which I’d dropped as he’d kissed me. “I’m leaving. You quit messing with my head or I’ll rip your balls out.” 

He had the indignity to look smug as I left him there. I could see his reflection in the mirror. I glared back at him and left. He must’ve followed me, because he called after me as I was about to hit the stairs to leave. 

“Hey, Craig, remember that kid we teased on Friday? Yeah, just thought you should know that he’s a better fuck than you. Night Craig.” 

I stopped in my tracks. I was too humiliated to go and punch him. I clenched my fists and left, furious at him, both for teasing me like that and for sleeping with that bitch, Andrew. I mean, really. What was he trying to achieve? And as for Andrew? That scrawny little maggot! How dare he dig his claws into my Chris! I wanted to punch them both. 

I went home angry. I stopped by Stacey’s. I needed to let off some steam. We fucked in her garage, on the boot of her dad’s car. Then she fucked me back in a bid to calm me down. 

I finally arrived home after eight. Mum was just leaving again. I figured she’d tell me off later, or leave it to dad. I didn’t care. Dinner was waiting for me in the fridge again. I ate and locked myself in my room, doing homework to distract myself. It had been one of those fucking days. 

That scrawny little maggot needed to be taught a lesson. If only I knew who he was and where he lived. Stupid little fag. No one touches my boys but me. And then I’ll go after Chris and punch him for his stupid mind games. Bastard! 

It was only once I’d calmed down that it occurred to me I was quite possibly overreacting. Clearly Chris was trying to get a rise out of me, and I’d taken the bait, hook, line and sinker. He’d got one over me. I hated that I cared that much about him. I wanted him to stop. 

I crashed around eleven and lay in bed, chatting to Stacey. I told her what had happened and she helped sort out the emotional wreck in my head. I felt better for it. At least I slept well that night, even if I had no idea what to do with myself. But he could wait. I had other priorities to deal with. Chris and his mind games could wait. I wasn’t prepared to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was getting to me. I needed some space to work out what to do next, if anything. If he was going to use those tactics, then he’d get what he deserved, of that he could be certain.


	7. Chapter Seven: Andrew

Mum got all panicky when I was dropped off. I was made a cup of tea and sat down and asked all manner of things about my weekend. Clearly, she wanted to ascertain that I hadn’t been kidnapped by a pack of murderous dogs or something. You’d have thought my mere presence would have confirmed to her that I was fine, but no. And I was right. Dad had rung to see where I was. I felt kinda bad then. I didn’t even ask to watch some TV. I went and showered and got on with the work I hadn’t done, promising not to forget the next time I had to go over there, which would be in a month as Dad had a conference or something to go to. 

I listened to Charles’ music while I did my homework. I was surprised at how much it helped. When mum came in to see how I was going, I told her I was listening to some of my pieces for music. She brought me some more coffee and I finished my work. She made me call dad as well. She said I should at least call him and talk to him even if I hadn’t wanted to go over. He was pissed at me skipping out on him, but he did sympathise with my need to get some space. 

It was a disappointing end to the weekend. I fell asleep listening to Charles’ music. I wished he’d been there to hold me. I missed his smell, his voice, the way he’d kiss me as we fell asleep together. 

Still, I went to school the next day not dreading it as much as I usually did. I had Charles to look forward to that afternoon. If I could just get through school without letting them get to me, then I’d be fine. 

It was a long, lonely day. My one friend, apart from Charles, was absent, leaving me alone with my music. I sat on a bench in a secluded area during lunchtime, reading my book and listening to Charles’ music. I was half afraid I’d wear out the tape if I kept that up. Thankfully, I was left alone. I must’ve looked too pitiful to bother. 

I managed to get through school in one piece and headed off to the city to meet Charles. The thought of meeting him again had kept me going all day. I was surprised at how much I longed for it. Perhaps knowing there was one person who was there to protect me made all the difference. Not even the taunts that were thrown my way seemed as bad as they usually were. Didn’t stop the punches hurting like hell though. Fuckers. 

Actually, I lied. I got out of class early under the pretense of going to see the counsellor and left. I’d planned my trip and didn’t want to be late. Charles was that important to me, and it was a long trip into the city. Thankfully, we were meeting near my bus stop, so by the time I arrived, he was there, leaning against a wall, waiting for me. 

He greeted me with a cheerful smile and took my hand. Clearly, he had plans. I'd told him we only had about an hour or so before I had to head home. We found ourselves in a small alleyway. Charles glanced around, as if checking no one else was around, before he kissed me. My bag slid off my shoulder as I kissed him back. We were pinned together and he backed me against the wall. He'd clearly missed me as much as I missed him. 

Eventually, we broke apart. Our foreheads touched and his hands loosely held my neck. I loved him. That I was sure about. I hugged him close. 

“I skipped English, just to see you,” I murmured into his neck. 

“Well, I will consider myself very special indeed,” Charles said. 

“Yes you should, cos I'm not making a habit of it. I don't want school calling mum up to tell her I've been skipping class constantly. Not a good look and I do plan to go to uni, you know,” I said. 

“Hmm, then I'd better make the most of this afternoon, shouldn't I?” Charles kissed me again. 

I never wanted to let him go. He had brightened my day. I made every moment count. I wasn't sure when I would see him again. Eventually, we left the alley when we realised how much it stank. Still holding my hand, he led me off to some little café he wanted to show me, different to the one he took me to before. 

We ended up in some tiny bookshop in some back lane of the city. There were very many books for the small space, all stacked on shelves to the brim. There was an old woman behind the counter with an owl perched on a stand beside her. She smiled as we entered. How this was a café escaped me. 

“Maria! Good to see you again. How's that owl of yours?” Charles said. He slid his bag off his shoulder and left it by the counter. I left mine beside his. Like I was going to risk knocking all those lovely books off the shelves. 

“She's fine, Charles. Who's this charming young man you've brought me then?” Maria said. 

“Ahh, this is Andrew. Andrew, this is Maria. Makes a mean coffee,” Charles said, introducing us. 

“Nice to meet you,” I said. 

“Take a seat. I'll put the kettle on. Got a special brew for you two lovebirds. Just you wait and see,” Maria said. She wandered into the back room, for there was a back room, not that you could tell with all the books, while the owl fluttered onto the counter and marched up and down it, as if it was guarding it. 

Charles led me over to the small couch beside the counter and we sat down. He still had a finger hooked around my finger, as if he really couldn't bear to be separated from me. I looked down at our joined hands. It was sweet. Charles was sweet. 

“Uh, I didn't tell her we were together, if that's what you're wondering. But she's perceptive like that,” Charles said. 

“Nah, I don't mind. Nice place, this,” I said. 

“Yeah, I like it here. It's peaceful. And Maria's great to talk to. Got an an-” 

“Answer for everything. Yeah, I know, Charles. Here, have some coffee. Tell me all about your new friend,” Maria said, pulling up a chair to sit in front of them after handing them steaming mugs of coffee. 

“Oh, I met him a few days ago. At the Cathedral. Craig was hassling him and I followed him and yeah. I led him astray, I did,” Charles said, glancing over at me.

“Hills boy, hey? You're a little far from home, aren't you? What brought you to the cathedral?” Maria said. 

“Aimless wanderings. I hadn’t been back there for seven years or so,” I said. 

“Yes, your soul does seem a little on the lost side. It’s the way you carry yourself, dear,” Maria said. 

“It’s funny. Craig was the reason I left, and he’s the first person I meet when I go back. Ironic, huh?” I said. 

“The Gods work in mysterious ways. Perhaps there is a reason for his presence in your life again,” Maria said. 

“Assuming there are any gods at all,” I said. 

“I have something I’d like you to read. Wait a moment and I’ll fetch it,” Maria said. 

I watched her get up and wander towards the back of the room, fishing around in a pile of books until she found what she wanted. She returned with a small but thick paperback and sat down again.

“What’s that?” I said. I tried to read the title, but it was at a weird angle. 

“It means something different to everyone who reads it,” Maria said, handing the book over. 

I looked at the cover. It appeared to be some sort of book about chaos and Gaia. The title was a little meaningless to me. “What’s it about?” The blurb was less than helpful. 

“Everything. And nothing. For the right people, it changes them forever. I think you might be one of the right people,” Maria said. 

“Hmm. Maybe,” I murmured. It looked kinda spiritual. There was something there about space travel and the nature of the universe. It didn’t look like some life-changing book. It was an old paperback, clearly well-read, but that was about it. 

“Just read it. If it doesn’t mean anything to you after that, bring it back,” Maria said. 

“What if it does change me? What do I do with the book then?” I said. 

“If it changes you, you’ll know what to do with the book,” Maria said. 

“Hey, you’ve never given me any books to read,” Charles said, feeling a little left out. 

“You’ve never seemed like you needed any. You know full well I have an intuition for these things,” Maria said. 

I had merely opened the book to see what it was about and I’d started reading it before I’d realised I had. I sometimes get like that with books. Some just want to be read. I didn’t even understand half of what I was reading. It drew me in and I lost track of what was going on around me. I only stopped reading when Charles punched my arm and broke my concentration. I looked up at him, wondering what he wanted. 

“Hansen. We gotta go. It’s almost six,” Charles said. 

“Six? As in six o’clock? Jesus Christ, mum’s gonna kill me,” I said. I glanced out the shop window and noticed how dark it was getting. I looked down at the book and realised I had barely read a third of it in two hours. I was really reading slow for once. 

“Come on, nerdboy. I’ll take you back to mine,” Charles said. 

“How am I supposed to go to school tomorrow from your place?” I said. 

“By all means, feel free to trek back to your place at this hour. At least you can get some homework done if you come to mine. We’ll figure something out so you’re not late, alright?” Charles said. 

“For once, he’s talking sense, Andrew. Go with him. You don’t want to be taking the train tonight,” Maria said. 

I almost wanted to ask her what she meant, but it would probably be more trouble than it’s worth. “Alright, I’ll go with you, Charles.” 

“Good man. Come on, get up then. We gotta get going,” Charles said. 

And so we kissed Maria goodbye, grabbed our bags and headed off. I felt a little guilty for running off on my mother again, but there just wasn’t anything to be done about it. If I did try and get home on my own, it would take me far longer than I was willing to put up with and I knew she’d hate me calling her to come and get me. So, Charles’ house again it was. 

They’d already eaten dinner when we got there. Charles’ parents were surprised to see me there again so soon, but they didn’t make me feel unwelcome. Perhaps there was sympathy for living so far out of town. I was even more grateful for the meal. She didn’t need to go to the effort, but she did anyway. 

Mum wasn’t impressed at all when I called her. I told her I didn’t want to risk going all the way home on the train, not that late at night when there were hardly any running anyway, not out our way. She did understand eventually. She didn’t offer to come and get me though. I didn’t think she would. She said that it was my responsibility to get myself to school on time, which was fair enough. And no more trips into the city before Friday. It was a condition I had no choice in accepting. It didn’t matter. I had plans to go to the cathedral with Charles anyway on Sunday. I would see him again soon enough. 

We ended up in Charles’ room again. He was being distracting again. Homework could wait. I just wanted him. We lay on his bed naked. Just being with each other. Charles still wasn’t sure about doing anything further, so I didn’t push him. We just talked until we both fell asleep. It might’ve been around midnight. I wasn’t paying attention. 

He woke me with a kiss the next morning. He lay there, smiling softly at me. It was nice. I’d almost forgotten I had school. I just wanted to enjoy the morning. 

“I see this is the third time I’ve ended up in your bed. I wonder how that happened,” I murmured. 

“I’m mesmerising. I just totally dazzled you into coming with me,” Charles said with a wry grin. 

“Well, enjoy it while it lasts. I’m not able to come back until Friday at the earliest. Mum’s banned me from the city til then,” I said. 

“Damn. Oh well. I shall just have to call you all time until you come back again,” Charles said. 

“I think my mum’s going to hate you,” I said. 

“You say that like it’s a bad thing. Besides, even I’ve noticed an improvement in your temperament since we first met. She’s not going to want to fuck with that,” Charles said. 

“All part of your evil plan, hey?” I said. 

“Of course,” Charles said. 

“Hey, what time is it anyway?” I said. 

Charles rolled over to check the time. “Ahh, bit after seven. We should get you to school,” he said. 

“We should, yes. I’ll just get a train up. I’ll make my way from there. If I’m late, I’m late. I don’t care as long as I get there. I’d skip, but I fear my mother would forever ground me from the city if I dared,” I said. 

“Wise decision. Well, feel free to shower first if you like. I’ll go get us some breakfast. You’re not leaving without eating first,” Charles said. 

“Yes, mother,” I said. I gave him a quick kiss before I got out of bed. I borrowed his dressing gown and grabbed my uniform and headed off for the shower. Thankfully it was unoccupied. I hated waiting for showers. 

I didn’t take as long as I wanted to, though. I didn’t want to be horrendously late. Charles had some breakfast waiting for me when I emerged, looking as properly dressed as I could manage, given I’d again run off to Charles’ house on a whim. 

“I made you some coffee. I also convinced dad to give you a lift so you wouldn’t be late. Go on, eat up. I gotta go get dressed myself,” Charles said. 

He ruffled my hair as he left. I had to try and smooth it out again. Ah well. Breakfast was nice though. I think we left around eight, but I wasn’t sure. Charles was going with me, which was nice. We dropped him off first and I resisted the urge to kiss him goodbye in front of his dad. Besides, we’d had our own little moment before we left. Charles had shut us in his room and had kissed me goodbye then. I was really going to miss him. I almost cried. His whispered promises to call me and that we’d see each other again stopped me from doing so. 

And so began my Charles drought. I really did miss him, but he did call as he said he would. I felt better then. The rest of the week stretched on longer than it should have. Nothing out of the ordinary happened either. I dropped strings, I got beaten up and I did more homework. I was so busy I didn’t even have time to finish that book Maria had given me. 

By the time Friday turned up, I was exhausted. I made plans to meet Charles in the city the next day, with mum’s permission and a promise to actually come home. I said I would on Sunday after mass. It was surprising how just saying I was going to stay at Charles’ house so I could go to church made her totally not worry about me. Going to church was clearly a good way to earn mum’s favour. 

Charles reminded me to watch rage that night. I did so eagerly. I’d never felt so awake at that time of night in spite of how tired I felt. It was weird. But it was worth it. More beautiful music. I kept the volume down real low so I didn’t wake my mum. I didn’t want her to know I was watching it. About an hour and a half later, I was in bed and asleep with awesome music running around my brain. 

I met Charles at lunch time. I’d had a chance to properly pack things this time, which made some difference as opposed to just running off on a moment’s notice. I actually had pyjamas, some cash I could actually spend, and some clothes. I didn’t bother with bedding. Charles had plenty, not that it mattered. I was planning to share his bed with him again. 

It was as if I hadn’t seen Charles for months, the way we embraced. I didn’t even cry. I was just so happy to see him again. I hadn’t quite noticed the physical need I had since we’d been separated. And it wasn’t even a sexual need necessarily. I just needed to touch him, to know he was there. That kind of physical need. 

We headed off to eat then. I let Charles pick where. I trusted his judgement. We ended up in this little café thing. It overlooked the harbour. It really was quite lovely. The food was lovely too. I think we spent over an hour in there. Just talking. It was nice. We discussed many things. I also learnt Chris had talked Craig into apologising to me on Sunday. I got a bit nervous at that. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see him again. Still, Charles said he’d be there with me, as would Chris. He reassured me it would be fine. 

I couldn’t help but wonder what Chris’ motivations were. Why would he make Craig do that? And why could Craig agree? I perhaps worried over it more than was probably necessary. 

We headed back to Charles’ house eventually. It was nice to be back there again. Of course, we ended up in Charles’ room. Kissing him again was just amazing. It still felt as wonderful as it had before. He was still wonderful. 

“Andrew?” he murmured. 

“Yeah?” I stopped kissing his neck and looked at him. 

“I want you to fuck me. I can’t wait any longer,” he said. 

“What, now?” I said, not as surprised as I had anticipated. 

“Yeah, I mean, if you don’t mind. I’ve dreamt about it, about you, all week. It’s been driving me crazy. Please, fuck me,” he begged. 

“Alright, I’ll fuck you. You’re lucky I came prepared. Just in case you felt up to it,” I said. 

“Oh, thank you. I want to know what it feels like,” he said. 

I was happy to oblige. It’s not like I didn’t fancy him. Our goal decided, he reached back to lock the door before he started kissing me a little more eagerly. There was a pause to grab the stuff I needed before we kept going, stripping clothes off as we fell back on his bed. 

It felt weird, Charles leaving the sex to me. I wasn’t quite used to it. I think I managed alright though. I mean, at least Chris was used to being fucked. Charles hadn’t done that before. I went slowly, not wanting to scare him. His whole body just relaxed when I started, as if he’d been waiting all week for me to fuck him. I had him on his stomach. It seemed easiest to manage. I tried to be as quiet as possible so we didn’t draw any attention. But I don’t think Charles would’ve cared at that point anyway. I would’ve been horrified to have been caught, but not Charles. 

It probably wasn’t the most fantastic sex ever in the history of the universe, but it still felt wonderful anyway. I was pleased that I’d been able to share that with him. We just lay beside each other afterwards. I liked having his arms around me. 

“Worked out how sort of gay you are yet, Charles?” I said. 

“That. Well. Um. I’d like to do that again at any rate. It felt good,” Charles said. “Was I better than Chris?” 

I felt a little guilty then. I hadn’t actually told Charles I’d fucked Chris before when we were at the cathedral. I got the sense from Chris that he didn’t want me to tell, so I shut up about it. All I’d told Charles was that we talked, he said he liked me and he kissed me. And then I told him I wasn’t interested. It seemed to satisfy him. But perhaps he’d been more perceptive than I had thought. 

“How’d you know about that?” I said. 

“Just a guess. I know what he’s like. I was totally better than him, wasn’t I?” Charles said. 

“Oh, of course. Cos, you know, I kinda like you,” I said. 

“Only kinda like me? What happened to you not being able to live without me?” Charles said. 

“I can’t live without you. Why do you think I’m here now?” I said. 

“We totally need to get a place together when we finish school. You’ll have to move closer for uni. Or work. Or both. Don’t make me travel all that way to see you. It’s just not fair on me,” Charles said. 

“I’ll do my best,” I said. “So, what now?” 

“Uh, probably dinner. Come on, get dressed already. I’m starving,” Charles said, shoving me out of bed. 

“Alright, alright. No need to get stroppy,” I said, grinning at him. 

He got up and pulled me into a kiss. “You’re beautiful, you know that, yeah?” 

“I do. You’re beautiful too,” I said. 

He smiled at me for a moment before breaking away from me. It was time to get dressed. I could smell dinner and yes, I was hungry too. We managed to make ourselves look presentable and headed out for food. 

We actually had an early night for once. We were asleep before midnight. I was kinda pleased about this. I was never very good at the late night thing. And he held me again. There I was in bed with him, his arms around me, as I slept. I wondered what his parents would think of us continually forgetting to set up the spare bed. Surely they had some idea about what was going on. I didn’t think much on it though. I was far too content to bother. Charles brushed his fingers through my hair as I fell asleep. I was in heaven. 

Mass was alright the next day. We didn’t have time to meet up with the others before the service started, so we had to sit with Charles’ parents. Which wasn’t so bad, really. We saw Julian and Chas after anyway. I still wasn’t sure if mass was actually bringing me anything more than it had before. 

I mean, it’s a pretty ritual, and laden with symbolism. Yet, it still didn’t sing to me in a way that made me believe. I wasn’t prepared to give up yet. Besides, I could always just keep going so I could see the others, like Julian and Chas did.

Chris met us afterwards. I got nervous then. Craig had agreed to meet us at this café a few streets away. We’d arranged with Charles’ parents to spend a bit of time in the city after mass. We’d meet them later so they could take me home. Julian and Chas went along anyway. No one quite knew where Dom had gotten to, so we didn’t bother looking for him. We found Craig sitting at a table, looking a little despondent as he sipped at his coffee. He looked nervous. I was surprised. 

I grabbed Charles’ hand. His touch reassured me. We went over to his table. Julian and Chas sat at a table nearby to give us some space. We ordered coffee and waited. Craig avoided looking at me. 

“So you’re Andrew, hey?” Craig said eventually. He gave me a reluctant look. 

“That’s me. Do you even remember me at all? Or am I just another nameless boy you screwed over?” I said. 

“What are you talking about?” Craig said. 

“Seven years ago. I left because of you,” I said. 

“That’s pushing my memory a bit. Seven years ago? You were there seven years ago?” Craig said. 

“Don’t play dumb, Craig. I remember you bragging about it a while back. You seemed pleased you’d gotten him kicked out,” Charles said. 

“Not that I was kicked out. I left of my own accord,” I corrected. 

“Ohh, that was you? I thought you looked familiar. Jesus, that was a long time ago. You still remember that?” Craig said. 

“I do. It felt like you were trying to get me in trouble. Not that I refused you anyway. I don’t know what happened to you but I got chastised and told my parents I wasn’t going back there ever again. And all because of you,” I said. 

“I was a stupid little shit back then, wasn’t I?” Craig said. 

“You still are a stupid little shit,” Chris said. 

“Point taken,” Craig said. “Anyway, Andrew. I’m sorry for shitting you around. I’m not sure what else I can say that’ll make it better. I won’t try and excuse my behaviour over the years. There is no excuse for it. Also, sorry for being a prick when you turned up last week. It was uncalled for. I hope that helps clear the air between us.” 

I slapped him. He sunk back into his seat, looking suitably chastised. I wanted to hate him, but there was no reason to, not now. He’d been kicked out of church and Chris had dumped him. I figured he had enough problems to deal with. 

“Would’ve been nice to hear years ago, but it’s good you finally got around to it,” I said. It was as much as I was willing to say. 

“Sorry. I’ve been a bit of a dickhead,” Craig said. 

“Yes, I’ve noticed,” I said. 

“You can go if you like. I won’t keep you if you’ve got things to do,” Craig said. 

“Well, I do have to get home at some point, but I don’t think we have to go yet, do we, Charles?” I said.

“Not unless you want to wander around the city beforehand. Hey, you gonna be alright, Craig? You look like you’re about to break down or something,” Charles said.

“I just wish I knew what I wanted. Then maybe life wouldn’t be so shit,” Craig said.

Chris brought him into a hug. “You’ll be alright. He hasn’t quite lost me yet. Though I will stress he’s walking on very thin ice,” he said.

Craig gave him a reluctant kiss, shying away from him. “I really don’t deserve the bastard. Anyone else wouldn’t want to see me again.”

“Someone needs to give you some direction. Might as well be me. There are worse crowds for you to get involved with. You never know, hang around long enough and maybe you’ll be allowed into the cathedral again,” Chris said.

“I think I can do without that sort of temptation for a while,” Craig said. “Thanks for coming, Andrew. I was so scared you wouldn’t bother and all this would be for nothing.”

“I nearly didn’t, but Charles is very hard to refuse. We should get going though. I don’t want to get home so late my mother tells me off for it again,” I said.

“Go and have a good time then. Maybe I’ll see you around,” Craig said. 

“Yeah, maybe,” I said. 

We finished our coffees and left. I was kinda glad to be out of there. It was getting stifling, even though Craig had apologised. I think I just wanted some time with Charles, just by ourselves. We wandered around the city until it was time to meet his parents. We hadn’t told them what we were doing and they didn’t ask. Charles had kissed me goodbye again, just before we met them. There were whispered promised to meet again and call and that we’d spend as much time together as possible over the holidays and go to uni together. I loved his promises. He dreamt big, but you always believed he’d make them come true. He got one more hug before I left him. I grabbed my bag and headed inside, feeling a little better now that I was home. 


	8. Chapter Eight: Craig

It was Wednesday before we met again, me and Chris. I met him at uni. He took me back to his house. He was still living at home. His parents seemed nice enough, though they were heading off to some show or whatever that night. I'm not sure what they thought of me. Different classes and all that. I was kinda glad we had the night to ourselves. We talked for a while, watched some TV, and drank more beer than I probably should've done. I wondered what his parents thought about his less-than-saintly behaviour when they were absent.

We crashed in his room. Things just went downhill from there. I shouldn't have slept with him, but I did. It wasn't even my idea for once. He begged me to, so I bent him over his bed and fucked him. He mumbled his thanks and rolled over, sinking into sleep.

I left him then. Like I was going to hang around now. I dressed, grabbed my things, and snuck out just before his parents arrived back. I hid around a corner as I watched them arrive. I left them and headed back home. I walked past Stacey's, just to see if she was home, and found her outside, smoking a cigarette.

“You're out late. You're mum's gonna kill you,” she said.

“Not if she isn't around when I get back. How are you anyway?” I said, walking up to her. I leaned against the wall next to her.

“I'm fine. Haven't seen you for a while. Been busy?” she said.

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Wanna fuck?”

I turned to her, surprised at her bluntness. “Sure.”

I watched her finish her smoke and squash the butt underfoot. She grabbed my hand and dragged me back inside. Apparently her dad had no problems with her hooking up with guys late at night. The house was quiet and dark. We went to her room. We fucked a few times before we just couldn't be bothered anymore. Then we lay beside each other, waiting for sleep to arrive.

“So, where have you been tonight that's left you so miserable?” Stacey murmured.

“Chris' house. We talked. We fucked. I left. I'm not sure I want him anymore. I thought I loved him, but…” I didn't bother finishing the sentence. She knew what I meant.

“Now you're not so sure?”

“Yeah. I don't think his heart's in it anymore, and I'm not sure I want to put up with his crap either. He has his own issues, even if he won't admit to them. I'm ready for something else,” I said.

“So where does that leave us then? Are you still interested enough in me to want me?” she said.

I sat up, curling my legs against my chest. “Don't ask me that now. Give me some breathing space. Chris is complicated. He talked about us being together again, and if we were, we'd take baby steps and such. Give me a few days to see where it goes. If it's still shit, let him sulk on his own. I just need to give this one last chance before I give up for good,” I said.

“Well, if you need me, I'm always here.”

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pressed a kiss to my temple. I murmured thanks and we lay down again. She cradled me in her arms as I slept.

She kicked me out early enough so I could get to school on time. I was glad we lived close enough for it to not be an issue. I said I'd come by that evening and talk properly. I promised I'd tell her everything. I'd made a habit of it anyway. Why stop now? Turned out I'd have more to tell her than I'd first thought.

Chris was waiting for me after school. I figured it must've been important to make him hang around my school. He offered coffee, said he wanted to talk. Yeah, what else is new? I said it was his shout and we left. He took me to this little coffee house and we sat in a semi-secluded corner while we waited for our coffee to arrive.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” I said.

“Last night. Look, I'm sorry if I led you on or anything. I didn't mean to,” Chris said.

“You begged me for sex. How is that merely leading me on?” I said.

“Don't tell me you agreed. We didn't fuck last night, did we?” Chris said.

“Yeah, we did. Because you wanted to. Look, do you want to get together again or not? Because I'm not going to put up with your indecisiveness forever. You wait too long and you'll miss out,” I said.

“Shiiiit. We did not fuck. No way. Tell me you're lying. That wasn't what I wanted to happen,” Chris said.

“It did happen. You stripped, lay down on your bed, and I fucked you, just like I've always done,” I said. “Where does this leave us now? You said you wanted to get back together.”

“Look, I'm not sure I can live with this sort of tension anymore. We had our fun, but I think it's time we both moved on,” Chris said.

“One last chance. That's what you said last night. It couldn't hurt, could it? Besides, I know what you're like. You always found it hard to refuse sex, especially from me. I love you. Would it kill you to love me back?” I said.

We fell silent then as our coffee was brought. I noticed Chris hiding behind his cup to avoid answering me.

“One last chance. No strings attached, no commitments, just one last go to see what happens. If we don't like it, we can end it. I just don't want to give up on you yet, and I don't want you giving up on me. Challenge me again. Make me good enough for you,” I said.

Chris sat back. I waited. He was clearly thinking about what I'd said, which I supposed was better than nothing. Eventually, he spoke. 

“Alright then. One last shot. But don't think this is any guarantee I'll take you back. You've got a lot of growing up to do. You're still going to apologise to Andrew on Sunday, aren't you?” Chris said.

“Oh, that. Yeah, sure,” I said, momentarily reminded of my commitment.

“Good. I'd hate to think you'd forgotten,” he said, giving me a look that suggested he knew I had.

I said nothing. We finished our coffee and he glanced at his watch. He had choir practice soon. I suggested he nick some robes and meet me somewhere private for a fuck. It just wasn't the same when he didn't look so angelic. He said he'd see what he could do. I gave him a quick kiss goodbye and sent him on his way.

I was surprised he managed to pull it off, actually. He arrived around 8 at my house, giving me a quick peek at what he'd brought. I was impressed. I thought he'd feel it was beneath him to play to my fetishes so readily, let alone steal from the church, but apparently not. I decided he needed to get properly filthy, so I took him to the scungy public toilets in the park. They smelt, as you would expect, of urine, amongst other things.

“I'm not sure you could've found a more despicable place to fuck if you'd tried,” Chris said.

“If I was trying, we wouldn't be here. Besides, I like the contrast between you and your surroundings. So, shall we?” I said.

I gestured to one of the cubicles. Chris took my lead and went in. I followed and locked the door. I leant against the door as I watched him change. I made him strip completely, so all he was wearing was the robes.

Chris shoved his clothes back in his bag. “So, now what?” 

“What do you think happens now?” I said.

“You dance the Nutcracker Suite while I sing Handel's Messiah?” Chris said.

“As amusing as that would be, it's not what I had in mind,” I said.

I grabbed his shoulders as I changed our positions, shoving him against the door. I kissed him and slowly moved down his neck until I was kneeling before him. He had this look of desperation in his eyes as he realised what I was about to do. I lifted up the robes and slipped beneath them. Now the real fun would begin. 

It had been a long time since I’d actually given him a blowjob. We usually just had sex. It was an interesting change, and Chris certainly responded well. There he was, utterly naked underneath, squirming as I sucked him off. I made sure to tease him mercilessly. Heaven forbid he should forget what I’m good at. 

My God did he come hard. You’d think he hadn’t come for months. I got to my feet again and kissed him, making sure he could taste his come on my lips. He clasped onto me, as if he didn’t want me to leave. 

“You alright, Chris?” I said. 

“God, don’t you ever leave me,” he murmured. 

“I won’t. Give me a chance and I won’t,” I said. 

“Fuck me again. Humiliate me,” he said. 

I licked his cheek perhaps a little obnoxiously. “Lift up your robes. You want humiliation? I’ll give it to you.” I reached down and slipped a small disposable camera out of my jacket pocket. 

He looked a little confused, but gave in anyway. I stepped back. He saw the camera. He knew what I was getting at. That he still went through with it was more the miracle. When I had decided to do this, I had half expected he wouldn’t do it, and he’d run off on me. But, no. He’d actually consented to it. 

I never had any intention of releasing the photos to anyone, of course, but the very fact that I had them was enough for Chris. They actually came out quite well, but he never wanted to see them. Whatever the exercise did to him, he barely looked at me as he left. We kissed, he changed, picked up his bag and left. I watched him go, wondering what he was thinking about. 

Once he was out of sight, I headed over to Stacey’s, like I promised. Her father showed me out to the yard where she was lying on the ground, contemplating the skies. I declined a drink and lay down beside her on the rug. 

“Wondered when you’d turn up. What have you been doing all evening?” she said. 

“Been with Chris. He was waiting for me after school, so we hung out and chatted for a while. We agreed to meet up later on after he was done at the Cathedral. I just sent him off. Got some great photos of him. I asked him to nick one of the choir robes for me. I hadn’t even thought he’d go through with it, being the good little Catholic that he is, but he did. Dirty little fucker. Remind me to show you them when I get them developed,” I said.

“You really expect to walk into a photo shop and get them to develop a roll of dirty pictures of your, what, is he your boyfriend now?” Stacey said. 

“No, I have other means of developing them. I’m not that thick,” I said. 

“So are you two together then?” 

“Sort of. I think I convinced him to give us a second chance. I’ll give it a week or two and see what happens.” 

Stacey rolled over to face me. “So I shouldn’t proposition you for sex until you’ve sorted your little choir boy out then?” 

“Aww, don’t do that. I like sex with you,” I said. 

“I reckon you should just ditch the fucker and stay with me,” Stacey said. 

“Nah, I’ll let Chris work out he doesn’t want me on his own. I don’t want to force the issue. Though we’ll see how Sunday turns out. I might dump him then if it goes badly,” I said. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll stop pressuring you. You work things out for yourself. I’ll be here if you need me,” she said. 

She brought me into a soft kiss. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to ditch Chris and be done with it. Stacey was very nice indeed and I was eternally thankful for her friendship. 

“Hey, I got an idea, since you look like you need cheering up. Come on,” Stacey said, sitting up. 

“Eh? What have you got in mind?” I said. 

“You’ll find out,” Stacey said. 

I took her hand and she pulled me to my feet. We headed back to her room and shut ourselves in. She sat me down on the bed and went over to her wardrobe. I had a feeling I could see where this was going. 

“Is this going to involve me dressing up?” 

“Why, got a problem with that?” She turned to face me after taking a dress from her wardrobe. “Don’t be surprised. I just want to see what you’d look like in a dress.” 

“I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. Alright then. Do your worst.” 

She grinned and handed me the dress. “Go on, then. See if it fits,” she said. 

I figured it couldn’t hurt to try it anyway. We did have similar figures, even if I was a bit taller than her. I stood and stripped. She helped me slip the dress on over my head. It was a tight fit, and the skirt was a little shorter than I had anticipated, but it looked alright. 

“I’d offer you heels, but I’d hate you to be any taller than you are already,” Stacey said. 

“Just because you’re not tall enough to model,” I said, playfully swatting at her. 

“Shut up, you. Now sit down while I make you all pretty,” she said. 

“As if I’m not already pretty enough,” I said. 

“You wait til I’m done with you before you pass judgement,” she said. 

I sat down again and let her cover my face with make up. This actually wasn’t the first time we’d done this, but it felt different this time, more significant. She was always so delicate with her touch. With a few touches to my hair, she was done. We stood up, and she took my hands in hers. She turned me towards the mirror on her wardrobe door and moved behind me, slipping her hands inside my dress to cup my breasts. 

“See, this is what it’s like to be me. Except I think you look better with short hair than I do,” she said. 

“One sexy beast, that’s me alright,” I said, grinning at my appearance. “I suppose this makes us gay now.” 

“I suppose it does.” 

She wrapped her arms around my waist and leaned against my shoulder. 

“Just dump him already. I want you all to myself,” she said after a moment. 

“Maybe I will. I’ll see what he says on Sunday.” 

We kissed again. Perhaps she was right. Perhaps I needed to get rid of Chris and take Stacey as my girlfriend. It was certainly a proposal that had serious merits. But it wouldn’t be fair to Chris to coax him into giving us a second chance and then dump him having already decided I didn’t want him. I still wanted him. I couldn’t deny it. 

I talked to Chris a few more times before we met again on Sunday. Every time I talked to him, he made me love him more as much as he frustrated me completely. He was still playing mind games, never telling me straight, always promising me he’d give us a chance, that he did love me too. And I fucking believed him because I did love him and wanted him to love me too. 

As it turned out, it was a total lie, which, given some of the things I’ve done, is a little hypocritical for me to get upset about. Never let it be said I have ever been much of a decent human being. Perhaps it was only fair to get some of my own medicine thrown back at me. Maybe there is such a thing as karma after all. 

Either way, it made it clear in my mind that Chris wasn’t interested in me, and I shouldn’t be interested in him. The apology to Andrew had gone well enough, I suppose. I’m sure he’s still mad at me. I don’t blame him, not when I remembered what I’d done to him. I might try and catch up with him later on, just to make sure he’s okay. 

Chris and I talked after they left. That’s when he told me he’d just been screwing with me. I punched him, told him to fuck off. I never wanted to see him again.  I went home. I wanted space to clear my head before I went running to Stacey. 

I sat by the lake, lost in thought. Was Stacey even the right person to hook up with? I had no idea. I did like her a lot. Perhaps I was rushing things. Maybe I should wait a while, decide what I really want. 

I think I sat out there for nearly an hour before Stacey happened to wander past. She sat down on the bench next to me.

“Mind if I sit here?” 

“Go ahead.” 

“You alright? How did things go this morning?” 

“I’d rather not talk about it now. Suffice it to say I’m single now, though.” 

She took my hand. “Whenever you’re ready, doll.” 

She squeezed my hand as she stood up. I looked up at her and smiled. 

“Seeya round, Craig. Come by after school tomorrow. I’ll save some food for you,” she said. 

“Yeah, I’ll be around. I’ll tell you everything then,” I said. 

And then she left. I watched her go, still unsure what, exactly, I would be telling her the next day. She was great, I liked her enough to be with her, but... Chris had complicated things and now I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I sat by the lake some more, lost in thought.


	9. Unfinished Chapter and Deleted Scenes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I did actually start chapter nine, and I had plans to finish this, like I did with all my WIPs, but for whatever reason, it never happened. I had a few sketched out ideas, and a fight scene between Craig and Chris, but none of this ever got further than the sketchy details below. 
> 
> I thought I'd at least post the whole lot, and maybe one day, I might end up finishing this. If only because Craig and Stacey make an awesome couple and I want to write more of them. But picking this up again after eight years might not work out, so I'm making no promises on any of this. Which is why it's in my unfinished WIP file.

Chapter Nine: Andrew's POV  
I was more than a little relieved we'd reached our spring holidays on Monday. It didn't mean I was allowed to relax, though. Mum kept reminding me how close my exams were and on days when I'd have liked to run around the city, or stay at home with Charles were instead spend inside at my desk, pretending to care more about my studies than I really did. It didn't stop Charles calling in the middle of the day when mum was out though. It became a welcome break, and I talked as long as I dared until we finally hung up and I went back to my books. Charles was a little annoyed I was pretty much under house arrest that first week, and I missed him terribly. Knowing I could, if I wanted to, head into the city and see him whenever I wanted was killed by the sheer amount of work I felt I had to do. People were expecting perfection, and the pressure was not exactly helpful.  
  
To be fair to my poor mother, I did at least wait until Saturday before asking to go out. I may or may not have already arranged to meet Charles then anyway, but that was beside the point. I was going a little stir-crazy being shut up inside. Thankfully, mum was in a good mood, and I headed off in a much better mood. I hadn't exactly told her I planned to stay over that night, but, well, if it happened to occur, well, it is a long way back home and she wouldn't want me travelling at night, would she?   
  
I met Charles a little after 1pm, and for once, we didn't spend much time in the city. I think we were too eager for each other's company to wait much longer, especially when we knew we might not have other chances to meet until after exams were over. No one else was home when we arrived back at Charles' house. It was nice, in a way. I let my bag fall to the floor as he kissed me in the hallway.   
  
"If you're wondering where they are, they've gone to some wedding I wasn't invited to and won't be back til later. Mum did mention something about perhaps not being back til tomorrow, if the reception went really late. So we've got the place to ourselves," Charles whispered, his hands slipping around my hips.  
  
"How utterly convenient," I said between kisses.  
  
He looked at me with sparkling eyes. "I know, hey? And, er, I'll cook us some tea. At some point. That good with you?"  
  
"Well, you haven't killed me with your cooking yet."   
  
"I don't plan to start this weekend either. Now, come on, you haven't slept in my bed for too long," Charles said, taking my hand.  
  
I remembered to grab my bag as he led me to his room. In spite of the fact we were alone, he still shut the door, and there was hardly any point in delaying the inevitable. I needed to touch him as badly as he needed to touch me. His bed was as wonderful as I remembered it being, and he was gentle and sweet, like he always was.   
  


* * *

Spare scenes I may not use just yet…  
Craig trying to win Chris back, but getting continually rejected. Craig does everything Chris asks of him, he even goes and repents his sins and gets accepted back into the church (by the angecy of Mary perhaps?), and yet... Chris still says no.   
  
Craig still sleeps with Stacey, and makes advances towards Keisha, to counteract his frustrations with Chris.   
  
Comes to a head one night after they had argued.   
  
"Who do I have to kill around here to win you back? How far do I have to go to prove myself worthy of you?" I said.  
  
"I don't care. Kill anyone you like. You're far too tainted in my eyes to ever deserve me again," Chris said.  
  
"Then why the fuck have you led me along like this for so long, giving me test after test, all which I have done at your insistence? To what end? If this is all for nothing, you're crueller than I am to taunt me like this," I said.  
  
"You're questioning my motives? When we both know the kind of sins you've committed during your life? How fucking presumptuous. Go back to your whores and trannies and live in filth like you know you want to. You'll never get anywhere in this world," Chris said.  
  
I charged at him then, angry at his words. I pinned him down and punched him, tried to strangle him, just let out all my frustration on him. He fought back. There we were, fighting each other right outside the cathedral. It was a haze of pain and movement. I wasn't even aware of what had happened until I realised he wasn't moving anymore, wasn't fighting back. I stopped and sat up. He lay still.   
  
"Chris? Chris! Oh, Christ, wake up. Man, you gotta be alright."   
  
I cupped his face and checked his pulse. 

**Author's Note:**

> Chas (yr 10), Charles (yr 12) and Dom (yr 10) = Sydney Grammar (secular); Jules (yr 12) = St Aloysius (Jesuit/Catholic); Andrew (yr 12) = The Hills Grammar School (non-denominational); Craig (yr 11) = Trinity Catholic College (Marist); Chris = first year uni


End file.
